iplank37 Member Profile

...See more fair warning, this is my first ever time using this app. I found this online and needed a place to vent so here I am. So for context as to who I am, Im 18, as of December that is, and a senior in high school. The main catalyst in my emotional issues has been watching the “best years of my life” slip by me so quickly while not experiencing what it’s like to be a teenager. As I’m typing this, I’ll be graduating in 4 months, finishing my 4th year of high school. In these last 4 years(nor anytime before), I’ve never been in a relationship of any form, never been to a party outside of a very few birthday dinners, and I’ve never been a part of a genuine group of friends. Yet in this time, I’ve seen people I’ve grown up with have all the aforementioned. A frustrating aspect of this situation is having no idea what I’m doing wrong. I can confidently say I’m not an unattractive person, it’s never been an apparent issue for me and I even take a very conscious effort to how I dress and look. While I am hindered by social anxiety, it mostly prevents me from meeting new people, but I can handle myself around people I already know. I don’t have strict parents AT ALL, meaning I can really go anywhere with anyone at any time. So nothing is preventing me from experiencing what’s SUPPOSED to be the prime years of my life. Yet here I am, coming back from my homecoming dance. I’m sick with jealously every time I think of a close friend that’s going home with their partner. I’m sick with jealously every time I think about my friends going to an after party that I’ll never even dream of being invited to. And I’m sick with jealousy knowing that they can look back at high school knowing that they made the most of being a teenager, while I’m sitting alone in my room venting to a wall of text on a phone screen. The straw that broke the camels back recently was my best friend. She and I were absolutely INSEPARABLE for years, and often bonded over being single and uninvolved in the social sphere. Yet we started to drift apart as she became more popular. There was a big pre dance dinner that she PLANNED FOR WEEKS, but didn’t invite me. I ended up going after asking some of my other friends, but it’s clear im becoming an afterthought to her. And to crown off the night, while walking out of the gym after homecoming tonight, I was watching her slow dance with her partner. That moment really solidified that I really am alone in this, that I’ve been deprived of a real teenage social life, and I really don’t know anyone that I can relate to anymore.

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