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itsflowergirl
1 206 M Embraced 2
hi... i just want to be better and be happy
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceJuly 24, 2026
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I was about to send this to a therapist but i backed out in the end..
Self-Esteem / by itsflowergirl
Last post
 July 24th
...See more I'm gonna send the message here... At least I tried to ask for help, even if it never reached the person it was meant for. But at least I tried. (And please don't ask me to send it to a therapist. I can't afford one, and I don't want money from anyone, thank u) * Hello!! I’m not very good at expressing my thoughts or emotions, so I asked ChatGPT to help me organize what I’ve been feeling. Everything below reflects how I genuinely feel, but I struggle to put it into words by myself. I feel like most of my emotional struggles are connected to the environment I live in, especially my family. I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but I feel emotionally exhausted at home. I graduated from high school five years ago, and since then I have not been able to start university. During these years, I have mostly stayed at home, cooking, cleaning, and helping my family every day. It feels like this has become my role, and my own life has been on hold. I don’t have my own income or a regular allowance. If I ask my father for even a small amount of money, which happens only every few months, I often feel like I’m being a burden. He provides financially for the family, but I have always felt emotionally distant from him. I don’t feel emotionally supported or understood by him. Growing up, I often felt that my brothers had more freedom and more value simply because they are male. I feel like different rules apply to me because I am a woman. My mother is very protective, but it often makes me feel ashamed of being a girl. She frequently warns me that if I go outside, something bad will happen because I’m female. I’m usually only allowed to leave the house with one of my parents. I can’t simply go out on my own like many people my age. There have been many times when I wanted to go somewhere, but my mother refused. If it becomes evening, she says it’s too late and that I’m not allowed to go anymore. When I tell her that it’s probably fine, she becomes angry and tells me that there are dangerous men outside and that going out will bring problems to the family. I often feel trapped because I don’t have the freedom to make normal decisions for myself. Because of this, I feel like I have missed out on many experiences that people my age have. Sometimes I feel like my life has been paused while everyone else has been moving forward. Most days I don’t feel deeply sad. Instead, I feel empty, bored, emotionally disconnected, and like my life has no meaning. I still experience moments of happiness every day, that i made for myself to be happy, but they only last for a short time before I return to feeling emotionally flat. I have very low self-esteem. I often compare myself to other people and feel like I’m less than them. I criticize my appearance, my personality, and even the way I speak. Recently I’ve been trying to replace self-criticism with self-compassion by reminding myself that making mistakes is normal. I struggle with procrastination and low motivation. Even when I have free time, I find it difficult to start important tasks and usually leave everything until the last minute. Or not doing it at all.. I keep most of my emotions inside. I rarely tell people when I’m hurt or upset. Coz maybe coz most of the my family will make fun of it and keep reminding me of it or saying I’m overreacting, Recently I’ve been trying to express myself more like if I’m annoyed, but it’s still difficult. Usually I withdraw, spend time on my phone, and sometimes cry after my emotions build up over time.. of course alone.. i cant cry in front of anyone it’s uncomfortable.. even my family. I don’t fully trust people, even those who are close to me. Sometimes loud noises or situations that make me think something bad is about to happen make me feel anxious. Coz my parents keeps arguing in the house when i was kid most of the time.. After embarrassing situations, I replay them in my mind for a while, but I usually move on. One thing that concerns me is that I remember very little of my childhood, and only parts of my teenage years. In 2021, I started taking photos and videos regularly because I became afraid of forgetting my life and memories. * The biggest reason I’m asking for help is this: If I imagine living in a peaceful, emotionally safe environment away from my current home, I honestly believe I would become a completely different person. I think I would laugh more, enjoy life, have more energy, pursue my dreams, travel, make memories, and finally feel like myself. I genuinely believe that if my environment changed, a large part of my emotional struggles would improve. I’m not asking for a diagnosis based only on this message. I simply want to understand myself better, understand how my experiences may have affected me, and learn how to heal and build a healthier future. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Note: I used ChatGPT to organize my thoughts because I struggle to express my feelings clearly. The experiences and emotions described above are genuinely mine, but I needed help putting them into words. You're probably wondering why I'm saying all this here... It's because I just need to vent. I've never really opened up to anyone in my life, and I'm trying to let myself share something without feeling guilty or regretting it afterward. This is my first step. I guess I feel a little safer knowing no one here actually knows me in real life.. bye.
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