j165 Member Profile

...See more Trigger warning: Depression, self-harm and alcoholism The other day I found old messages on my phone from the time when I was at my lowest. I was depressed and drinking almost every night. I had realised that when I get tipsy I get happy and could fall asleep without crying. And I knew that if I cried I wouldn't be able to stop unless I cut myself. Over the time I had developed a ritual: if I'd start to feel sad at night I'd first try to sleep. I would usually watch NCIS, one of the seasons where Ziva, Tony, McGee, Abby, Ducky and Gibbs were part of the team. Those episodes often distracted me from my thoughts and helped me to fall asleep. If I didn't fall asleep I usually started to spiral down. That's when I drank half a bottle of wine and swallowed one pill of ibuprofen so the alcohol would kick in quicker and I'd start another episode. I'd wait until I'd feel tipsy which usually caused me to feel happy. Now I realise that I wasn't actually happy, but just a weird, sarcastic version of myself (which resulted in messages such as "so how come you're up at 2 am talking to the weird drunk depressed girl?"). I wasn't really happy, but I also wasn't sad which was what I needed. I don't think I was an alcoholic, I was not addicted to alcohol itself but it usually prevented me from self-harming and when I weighed the options of either crying until I couldn't breathe and then cutting or being weird and drunk every night I chose the second one. Anyway, when I read those messages the other day it was like looking into the head of a completely different girl. My brain blocks out a lot of the stuff that was going through my head when I was depressed and while I do remember feeling that way, I can't remember the exact feeling, which I am extremely grateful for. I ended up deleting the entire conversation, which was very liberating. Today I had to remember this because I was sitting in my bathtub with a glass of white wine, watching NCIS and looking down on my scars. Back then, I'd often sit in the shower because I liked the feeling of the warm water, white wine was my go-to "remedy" and as mentioned, I'd watch NCIS to get away from my thoughts. But despite the similar situations, the way I felt was completely different. The scars are part of my past which I accept. I do not hide them when I go to the beach, and while I do not like to talk about them, if someone asks me I can tell their story without being triggered and without any of the old emotions resurfacing. The white wine is not the cheap bottle from the store around the corner, but a nice bottle which my dad bought me when I moved into my new flat. NCIS still soothes me and I still play it when I can't fall asleep, but I no longer need it to silence the thoughts in my head. And most importantly: I am happy. Not the weird drunk happy but the kind of happy that comes from enjoying the little things in life. And that's when I realised how lucky I am. My depression was caused by the birth control it was taking. And while it didn't stop as soon as I stopped taking it, I started to recover. It was like I had dug a hole and when I stopped taking it I could stop digging, but I still had to figure a way to climb to the top. There were still times when I had suicidal thoughts (one time actually) but when I felt like that I didn't even self-harm but I called my mum. She didn't know about the depression (we were living in different countries, and I still haven't told her) but without even knowing the hole I had dug myself she haded me a ladder. That was over one and a half years ago and the last night I ever self-harmed. There are still moments when I feel down, but never like that and on the odd occasion that there is a half-empty bottle of wine next to my bed it is not because I do not feel well but because I decided to watch some romcoms and drink a few glasses of my favourite Riesling or Sauvignon Blanc while doing so. I am very grateful to the amazing listeners here on 7cups who helped me to get better and talk me to sleep. I am grateful to my parents who may not know about the depression but who always support me. And I am also grateful to myself, for not giving up and allowing myself to take the time that I needed to get better. Today I can say that I'm fine and mean it because today I will fall asleep just fine and I will wake up tomorrow and not dread getting up but know that I have a good day ahead. And part of me is even grateful for the horrible experiences I've had because they are the reason that no matter how rainy, stressful or boring the next day is, it will still be a good day because I have had far worse. Today I can say that I am truly happy and actually mean it.

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