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*TRIGGER WARNING* Talk of suicide in this post*
Hi all,
I have been a Seven Cups member for a long time, however I never really felt the need to utilize the resources here until lately. I honestly just need to vent a bit because this last month has been a rollercoaster of different emotions for me and I am just feeling lost and confused right now. Buckle up, this is a long one.
I went through a rough break up a couple of years ago and have only just started to get back into the dating scene within the last few months. So I met a guy and I thought that things were going really well, however he wouldn't commit to dating exclusively and honestly couldn't even give a good reason for it. But, I was so lonely and we had a lot of fun together so, I stuck it out because I thought that maybe there was still a chance.
The day before Halloween, everything changed. All of a sudden, he was telling me that he was not a good person and that I should just move on, etc. At the time, I was so shocked and confused, but I know now that he suffered some sort of mental break. The following day, which was Halloween, he was in a bad frame of mind again. He made an awful choice to drink and drive and he got hit by a semi truck. He was okay, aside from a fractured sternum, but his brand new car was totalled. As upset with him as I was, I went and picked him up from the hospital and drove him home. The next day, he apologizeFd to me for how he had treated me before. I guess he just realized that I was the one that was there for him at his worst, no one else even cared (so it seemed). I know it sounds really dumb, but I was happy that he was finally starting to realize.
I honestly should have known better. He tried to take his own life the following weekend. He texted me in the morning, telling me that he needed to work on himself and that he didn't think he could be build a relationship while fixing himself. Fair enough. But then I got another text from him that night that just said "bye". I was confused so I asked what he meant and that's when he told me that he took a bunch of pills. I immediately called 911 and luckily they got to him very quickly. They took him to the hospital and he was essentially being detained there until he could speak with a phsyciatrist. I went to the hospital and he said some pretty hurtful things to me, but he was completely inebriated (his BAC was 0.56 - he should have had alcohol poisoning from that) so I tried not to let it get to me. I drove him home again the next morning, but was very much on edge. I was worried he would try to do something again. The next day, I ended up calling 911 on him again because he said he took more pills but he wouldn't tell me what or how many.
So this was all happening at the beginning of November. He was trying to get help at this point. He was talking to therapists, crisis lines, etc. He was told that he needed to detox because of his alcohol dependance (which I really didn't know was THAT bad). I know he had a lot of stuff going on, but I was honestly just trying to be a good friend (at least that's what I kept telling myself). He didn't have much of a support system - in fact, I am listed in his medical records as being his support system. And that's totally fine, but I also still had feelings for him and I don't even know why. Maybe I just felt like I needed to take care of him? I don't know. But he recently has decided to become an LDS member. It has been so helpful for him, but part of me just feels like something is off about the whole thing. He just started going to the curch last week, and he already has a date set to be baptised in December.
He is now starting to become someone completely different from who I met. For example, when we first started seeing each other, he told me that sex is very important to him in a relationship. That's fair, it's important to me too. But now, he is going to be baptised and repent and not have sex before marriage. I totally understand that everyone has a different belief system and I have nothing against people who don't believe in sex before marriage, etc. I am just having a hard time wrapping my head around how he can change so suddenly.
I have now accepted that there is no future with him besides being friends (but even that I'm not sure of now), but I still have SO many feelings. I feel angry and abandoned. I was there for him when no one else wasn't but now I am just being left behind in the dust for church. And I stuck around, like an idiot, because he couldn't make up his mind about anything in his life. I feel guilt over his attempt at taking his own life. I was with him the night before and early that morning and there were signs but I was too blind to see them. What would have happened if I just stayed instead of going home? There are a lot of "would've, could've and should've" thoughts in my head and I'm having a hard time getting rid of them. I have tried to talk to him a bit about these feelings but I'm scared that it's going to send him into a downward spiral. I'm also scared that if I just cut off contact it will also cause that.
So that's where I am at right now. I'm lost and confused. I am trying to keep my mind busy with work, hobbies, etc. and I think I am making SOME progress. Today is the first day that I've woke up without him being the first thing on my mind, but it's still a struggle.
I'm not sure what I am really hoping to get out of posting this but honestly, it just feels good to type the words out and have someone else hopefully understand what I am currently going through.
If you've made it to the end of this thread, thank you for reading. I appreciate any kind words or thoughts you may have for me.
