jinxiwix Member Profile

...See more I don't know how to use this website that well, but I'll try. Is it right for me to feel upset? Am I in the wrong? My mom never listens to me about me taking my medication. Throughout these years, my gag reflex and mental image of it have been getting worse. I've started to struggle with eating because of it. Every time I eat, or rather swallow, the sensation of it reminds me of taking pills. It makes me feel sick. I'm not trying to purposefully restrict my eating; I'm just against it now. I've eaten so little to the point where I've been making myself eat due to me getting nauseous from the lack of it. I've told my mom this, only for her to say that she's seen me eat. It felt so dismissive. I don't even enjoy my comfort food anymore. To negotiate she took away the small pills. I know I should be thankful for that, but I don't. While part of me is glad that she's slightly listening, the big pills are the main problem. I've actually thrown up because of them before. Not just the sensation of getting sick but actually puking. Granted, it doesn't happen every time, but it still happens. And it's not like I'm bad at taking medication, I'm actually pretty good at it usually... to an extent. I can't even eat normally anymore. That's my main issue. I hate eating as it just feels like I'm taking pills. She always uses my past with the mental hospital to tell me why I should be taking them. I get it, I do. It just feels unfair. I know I've been multiple times, but still. Whenever I'm off my pills, I can feel genuinely happy. Whenever I'm on my pills, the happiness feels forced. I just feel like she can't accept who I really am. She prefers the version of me that's "stable." I get it, but I want her to love how I am when I'm not. I want her to love every part of me.

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