jolt711ml Member Profile

...See more I'm very saddened too say that I am still plagued by these thoughts. I don't know how too get them too go away. I feel despair all the time I have been hiding my sadness since I was a teen. Its hard too communicate with women I'm interested in I freeze totally been like that unless they make the first move & then I'm still affraid. I feel like I'm constantly running in the wrong direction. The only time I know peace is by mistake sometimes when I'm alone. I find peace in places most people wouldn't like "graveyards". Ever since I was a kid in ATL I have found comfort in being around death maybe because I'm so affraid of it. Which is even weirder cause I don't cope well at all with it. I know I'm going through hard times all created somehow someway beacause of my bad decisions. I can deal with that its the endless feeling as if I was in the middle of the universe with stars and planets around me, yet I still feel alone that I can't sway. It feels like once down this path it's no way out. Stuck in a never ending muck that tears you apart piece by piece. Until their is nothing left to give. It has too be a sickness. What else could it be? One day I'm sorta happy then I'm back too lying too people. Oh everything is ok! I daily think about suicide. A few years ago I posted a pic in a private grp on facebook that only my friends could see, it was me with a gun too my head. Of course everyone was like "what's wrong" and "thats not funny" & "are you ok"? Maybe that was the first time I was putting this out their for the world too see in my eye's. What people don't know is I would put that gun too my mouth or head everynight before bed and try and think of one good reason too not end it all. I came up with a reason any normal person would. I don't wanna hurt my family or I can just get through it in time, but I'm starting too realize why its so scary for me. When I'm too the point that my body and mind just wants relief from being numb from thoughts & inner pain that the actual act of suicide seems therapeutic like the ultimate relief. I'm then very much in trouble.

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