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joyfulhorse
6,035 M Moving Along 2
PathStep 86 Compassion hearts343 Forum posts37 Forum upvotes39 Current upvotes39 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2017 Member sinceSeptember 18, 2016
Bio

I called to be me without judgement, but to embrace my hole being and love myself for who I am.

Recent forum posts
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Sometimes "
Personality Disorders Support / by joyfulhorse
Last post
 June 13th, 2017
...See more I sometimes I want to die, and then I sometimes I to live, I sometimes feel happy and then I get so depress so fast, its depressing... Sometimes I sew my self all alone in a world of rush..and no notice is taken of me....sometimes I feel so unloved as if nobody loves me... But I'm the reason why this is so...because I push people away and then I'm sad about it.. .how sick is that? How can I find the joy I so log for? Sometimes I find myself among the train tracks ,walking all alone in my burn thin skin and all I can hear is the evil words spoken over me.... How I wish the train could hit me...how I wish an angel could save me...I wish I knew what I wanted or felt..but sometimes I feel nothing...and sometimes...I feel everything....its like a horse running round and round a stupid race course and feeling only pace but as soon as it leaves the race course it feels peace...oh how I wish I knew what I was talking about but sometimes.....I have no idea....
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Wearing a mask
Personality Disorders Support / by joyfulhorse
Last post
 May 9th, 2017
...See more Every Sunday I go to church and every time people see this person who happy and full of smiles yet inside I'm falling apart. I'm crying for help and nobody is aware. Everyday is a new mask of lies and more of cover up as if I'm living in a storyline... About to end pretty soon in heartache... Just recently I had to face some very hard hash rejection from the OT who keeps hurting me. She called me and told me she afraid of me. After that phone call my world came to a dead still. Who am I ? Happy then sad ? Then angry then mad... Why oh why am I like this.. I didn't want to be like this, infact it is killing me ...breaking me... This illness I have and can not over come it... I have done dbt and even that has not help me... I now stare in the mirror and bash it with my fist of anger...and behide those scares is a broken little girl trying to talk. .trying to say anything ..but who am I ? What's life if you have this ? It only kills you and everyone around you. People say it gets better...but it doesn't... You only end up being alone and most of all...you end up wearing a mask...
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Facing the woman I love.
Personality Disorders Support / by joyfulhorse
Last post
 February 17th, 2017
...See more Hi everyone ! Hope you all are well ! So this week has been a hard week but I would like to share one of the things I had to face. I am a Christian and I really love Jesus but I also love woman or I'm confuse.... Anyways I don't speak about it as I'm scared to. A friend and I became very close and then I fell in love with her of course this is agaist what I believe. We are both Christians. I figer that I would stop speaking to her and it will just go away and its been 3 months that we have not spoken ! At the moment I'm doing dbt and I'm learning to face how I feel. About a day ago I met up with her and we just spoke. She didn't know why we stop speaking but guess I was dealing with things when I told her I'm in love with her, she was shocked but also said it can't ever happen. It upset me but at that same time I felt so much better that I told her. With my emotions I can chosse to run from them or I can face them and take it like a wave and learn how to swim in it.
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Support sessions.
Personality Disorders Support / by joyfulhorse
Last post
 January 10th, 2017
...See more Hey everyone ! So some of you like me may have notice we have had no BPD support session on Tuesdays for 2 weeks now. I just wanted to check in with everyone and see how you are doing :) it can be ard without the session I myself have struggle with out the sessions that's why at times I join other rooms. I just want to encourage everyone to keep their Chins up to tell you that you are awesome ! If we don't have a session next week I suggest we all meet in one room maybe share you story and we create our own session :). So same time next week but if the support session isn't up we all gather in the share your story room. Hope to see you all there !
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My bpd and choices part 2
Personality Disorders Support / by joyfulhorse
Last post
 December 29th, 2016
...See more During this time we need people who cares about us, a time when everyone is in the season of Christmas, for me I pretty much have been on my own, have no friends, the church I attend has close it doors for a hole month, and bible group has also stop, it made me so angry, because My OT really wanted me to have my own support set up, the 2 things that are really meant to support me is not even standing by me. I have taken this as a learning step, when a bump hits me I treat it as a car would, (never drove a car) but I know you have to drive slowly over it, if you drive fast your car gos abit off the ground and you bump your head on the roof, I needed to create a plan, I decided to start making smoothies with the people who have really hurt me and give them a 2nd chance, My OT and I call my good r.ships with people smoothies and we call the ones that end badly a kaboom. I am very good at getting people to like me, I get on with them and we click but keeping them is a huge problem. Awhile back I made a very close friend, we call her R. R and I got very close, and she really was a very good friend for me. When ever I needed a hug ill go to her, and when I needed to cry I would go to her. Our friendship fell when she betrayed me and hurt me deeply, from that moment I began to go downhill. Lots of things were the cause of my break down but this was also part of it. I couldnt even work with her, or be around her, and after awhile I didnt see her at all, one Sunday I was at church when she walk in and greeted me, it took me to surprise, I walked out, I was angry at the fact she could just be nice after she hurt me so much, when I relies that she did something good. I also hurt her, I wasnt innocent in this it takes 2 to tango! I really had to pray and work on my heart towards her because it tore me so much. When about a week ago I decided to speak to her after a long time of not, I wanted to make a smoothie with her and build a good friendship with her. I forgave her and she forgave me. We even plan to have ice cream this week! The hardiest thing is to make good smoothies. I had to learn to not put lemons in to my friendships when there is apples only. My choice is to forces on something good instead of what I dont have. What matters is that I can go on with my day with peace knowing I have good smoothies.
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Struggling to get support
Personality Disorders Support / by joyfulhorse
Last post
 December 19th, 2016
...See more I have some hard choices to make on getting better and maybe you guys can help me as to what you think. Iv been working with my OT who has really been hard on me, she has given me some goals to do in oder to come back to their work program which I was happy at. Some of these goals are so difficult. Iv been searching for dbt help where I stay and it has been impossible. Then last week I found a guy and his wife who runs a dbt program. I went to see them and have been told I can join it . it starts in February! They also willing to cut down the price for me too. I was so happy because this has taken a very long time to find. When I sat down with my OT I told her the news and she was happy for me. The bad news is that I need to have counselor or psychologist stand by me while I'm on this program. Its for 6 weeks. I asked my OT if she could and she turn me down and gave me more impossible goals . I have till February to find someone, who will do it for free. And I feel pressure. I feel stuck because all I want is to be help and all I want is to be back on the work program but its as if My OT doesn't want me there. Like she doesn't care. I mean she shows she cares but when I need her the most she closes her eyes. I have part time work but The money doesn't cover everything. I need to pay rent and I need to get around , like with transport. All this is pressure. I live far from easy transport and cheap. I even started a gofund page to raise money as I'm going need a lot of help but I have had nothing. My question is , should I look in to living near easy transport and how would I find something cheap ? I use to stay in the shelter but that was horrible and I promise myaelf I would never go back. Should I cut contact with my OT instill I reach my goals and then speak to her ? I feel very pressure And every time I sit down with her with good news its never good enough. How do I get The support I need by February? How do I change my life ?
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My BPD and choices.
Personality Disorders Support / by joyfulhorse
Last post
 December 16th, 2016
...See more Part of my BPD I lack of holding friendships. I am very quick to getting people to like me and people are impress by me but to keep them around seems mission impossible. I recently had to face a friendship with someone and she and I became very close but it was not healthy at all, there were things she expected from me and I could not do that. Because I could not give her what she wants she stop speaking with me. I decided that I won't allow this to upset me. I have always lost friends and so I'm use to it. But the choices I make effect not only me but others around me. Before when a friendship would end I'll shut everyone out but this time I chose not to do this. I don't have friends but there are people who care about me. I choose to be happy even when I feel broken. I choose to make jokes even when I feel sad. Instead of Laying in bed I'll get up and run or I'll get to my laptop and listen to some music . The choices I make will have an effect on my life. Some choices I make will make me happy and some will make me sad and some will make me angry but the best choice I can ever make is taking care of me and my needs in that way I can manger my BPD and build healthy friendships.
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