kattykit134 Member Profile

...See more Helloo I'm new here so I apologize if I'm doing this wrong or posting to the wrong group. Of course, I had this all typed up and then had to verify my email and my whole post disappeared. I feel silly even asking on here to be honest, and the fact that it disappeared had me thinking maybe I wouldn't, but I could really use some help if anyone has any positive thoughts or advice for me. So 2 years ago I was engaged. We had been dating for 5 years, I grew up with him & his family and we were a month away from our wedding. You know, it always seems silly when someone says someone's behavior came "out of nowhere". Like in movies there were always clear signs, you just were ignoring the red flags. A month before our wedding, my fiance broke up with me completely out of nowhere. He had apparently been lying to be about big and small things for the entirety of our relationship. He said that I was the problem, it was my fault he had been lying; my whole personality was the problem. He smiled when he said how he couldn't stand to be with me anymore, how he wanted the life we planned just not with me. I was devastated, heart-broken, and embarrassed. I went to bed every night hoping I wouldn't wake up. For the week after he abruptly broke up with me, I pathetically begged him to reconsider. He ghosted me for days; part of his agreement to reconsider. 2 years later, I can realize that he was manipulative, abusive, a compulsive liar, & gaslighting me. I've done a lot of work to get here; I have tried journaling, meditating, reading self-help books, and I exercise regularly now. I tried going to therapy once; I felt silly going but at the encouragement of my boyfriend (more on that later) I tried it. I am uncomfortable opening up to people, but after I tried to explain it all the therapist said that I didn't seem sad enough- like even that I couldn't do right. So I haven't went back, as much as I feel like I really need some professional help or advice. I am dating someone who is really great; he was there for me after everything went down and I felt so alone and helped me remember my worth. He likes me the way I am, and helps me through the thoughts whenever they reoccur. The problem is that the anxiety is still there - the fear that he will decide abruptly he doesn't love me either & leave; the fear that any time I do anything remotely "wrong" he will realize that I'm not worth it too. I realize logically that's silly, I know what I'd tell someone else if they were feeling that way. But it doesn't change the anxiety and panic I feel all the time. Like I'm not good enough, like everyone will leave and no one will decide I'm worth loving. It probably sounds ridiculous, but it's so hard to think straight when you have those feelings - to just tell yourself "that's not right". I'm so tired of feeling this way. I sleep terribly all the time, especially this month as I'm nearing the anniversary date of it all. All I have are nightmares of people leaving, I have so much anxiety and I feel so down. And honestly, it's not fair that I worry and second-guess all the time - all my boyfriend has been is good to me and I don't want him to feel like I'm holding back because of my previous experiences. Does anyone have any advice or positive thoughts? If you've read all of this, sorry for the novel but thank you for giving me the time.

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