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katyarose97
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PathStep 24 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2021 Member sinceMay 10, 2021
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Trauma Support / by katyarose97
Last post
 May 11th, 2021
...See more Hi, so here’s the back story. I have two sisters one that’s 2 years older (let’s call her Nicky) and another that’s about 15 (let’s call her Jessie). Well Jessie and Nicky were also super close. And even when Jessie had a boyfriend Nicky would be best friends with them. Sleep in their bed all together after watching movies, party together, etc... nothing weird or inappropriate though. Me being the younger sister I always felt left out and wished I could join them. Well Jessie gets married and they’ve been together since I was about 8 or 9. He was apart of the family. He was like a brother. Well when I was almost 18. Not yet! But almost, I agreed to stay over and watch Jessie’s son after school Asher husband worked and couldn’t be home till dinner. So I said yes, I made dinner for everyone we’d chill watch tv then go to bed. Well one night after the son had gone to bed, the husband (let’s call him Dan). Dan gets himself a drink. Vodka and orange juice and offer to let me try it. I’ve never done anything like that. I was totally innocent and a good child. But seeing how I trusted this man and I always wanted to try I said ok. He made me a cup. I slowly drank it, and then once I finished I wasn’t feeling anything he made me another. I said ok but no more. I got about halfway done and he kept urging me to finish. So not wanting to waste it or be rude, again I’ve never done anything like that. I finished the drink and said I was good I was starting to feel it a little bit. He made me another one after I said I didn’t want it. So I took a sip and set it down. I said I was good. I didn’t want it. He stopped pushing. Well we were sitting on the couch and he starts rubbing my shoulders ( again not a weird thing in my family). Then he goes under my shirt and I don’t think anything of it... but then he unhooks my bra and tries to feel around for my breasts. I freeze not knowing what’s happening or what to do so I just clench my arms tight around me and don’t let him. Then the son walks out and Dan tells him to go to bed, so he does and closes the door. Also, before the trip both Dan and Jessie said that I could sleep in the bed it’s a good size and I can sleep where Jessie usually does. It’s not weird as Nicky does it all the time. So Dan starts to say let’s go to bed and I start freaking out so I say I have to use the bathroom and he says ok I’ll go to bed first. I get up and then the drinks hit me and I feel like Bambi walking for the first time. I go to the bathroom trying to come up with what to say or do. So I sneak out back to the living room and lay down on the couch like I’m going to sleep. He comes out and “wakes me up” and says to go sleep in the bed it’s more comfortable. I say ok I will in a minute. He leaves. A little bit later I hear him start to come out so I close my eyes and pretend I’m asleep. He just won’t leave me alone! Coming out every two minutes to get me. So I say ok I’m tired I’m gonna go to sleep. I walk in the bedroom thinking that if I fall asleep he’ll just leave me be and take the hint... nope. I pretend to fall asleep curled up as close as I possibly can be to the edge without falling off. He grabs my hand and puts it on his bare cock. I didn’t even know he got undressed. Again I’m tipsy. Once I realized what it was I pulled me hand away really quickly and said no. I’m sleeping. He just started whispering in my ear how I was a tease and how ever since his wedding seeing my in the bridesmaid dress (which was the same as all the bridesmaids) he couldn’t stop thinking about me. And how he didn’t think about Nicky like that but me was mmm. I just pretended I was asleep and prayed to gif he’d leave me alone and pass out. But next thing I know he’s on top of me and slide my shorts and underwear down so fast I couldn’t react. And he was inside of me. Give it he was tipsy too but it was over with so fast I was left laying there wondering what the actual fuck just happened. I wasn’t a virgin thank god. But that was still the last thing I wanted. So I made sure he was knocked out and I grabbed my shorts and literally crawled out of the room. I ended up sitting outside of the apartment complex sitting on the stairs all night long trying to sober up and process. Then about twenty minutes before he had to be up for work I snuck back in and laid on the couch to sleep. When he got up he tried to wake me, but I wouldn’t open my eyes. Then during the day I get a text saying “we should try that again sober” and I respond “probably not”. Then I do my best to avoid him while not giving away that anything was wrong to the son. That night I slept in the sons bedroom and Dan came in to wake me up saying how sorry he was that he loved Jessie and he would never do anything to hurt her and blah blah blah. I ended up telling him it was fine it’s over let’s forget it ever happened... so that’s what we did. He did text me and call a few times after that upset, but I just kept avoiding him. Eventually we forgot about it or at least pretend to. 9-10 years later and I still have a grudge. I thought about telling Jessie, but her and I had a rocky relationship and I knew she’d blame me and then she’d cut me off for good and being a naive young girl I wanted my sister in my life I wanted to finally be her friend and I didn’t want to hurt her. So I didn’t say anything I didn’t even know how. And years later when she confided in me that he cheated or attempted to, I wanted to tell her then, but thought it was a little too late for that and she was already in pain and it was christmas. So I held my tongue. And then as time went it just got harder and harder to say anything, so no one knows. Except my husband. He’s the only one that knows what happened. And I have moved passed it, I’ve healed as much as I can. But I still hold a grudge. Like today Jessie asked me to send her a memory I have of him for his 40 surprise birthday and I just laughed because what memories? Any memory I have of him is tainted and I just thought. Fuck that I’m not contributing anything to his birthday. Or they gave us hoodies from his job that he’s very proud of. And I gave mine away. I never wear it because I don’t want anything to do or support him. Im polite and friendly at family gatherings but that’s my limit. And my husband doesn’t understand that even though it’s in the pass and I don’t want to bring it up, I’m still tainted and yeah I guess it is a grudge that I can’t even control. I wish I could let go, but that shit will always be with me and I’ll never be more than a polite stranged family member to him. I just, I don’t have anyone to talk to about it. If I bring it up to my husband he thinks that I should say something to get it off my chest so I don’t have to deal with these small situations but it’s not that simple. It’s too late to say anything. And I don’t want to anyways. Not now. I don’t really have a close relationship with my sister so I barely see her so there’s no point. I just wish I had someone to vent these things with who understands is all. Anyways, thanks for reading this far
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