kckeyz Member Profile

...See more Greetings, I am new here and I decided to look for different avenues of understanding myself and came across this website. After reading @Jenna post then I decided to join. I am truly a rare "case study" and overall patient in this mental health "game"/battle as I have ADHD, OCD, and Asperger's (Autism Level 1/Spectrum) disorder along with it's "peers" that this brings depression, anxiety, insomnia, stress, social anxiety just to name a few as there are more. I have been diagnosed and on medication since 2018 and I knew all of my life I was just different than everyone else. To an outside person looking in, one would assume that I am extraverted and not realize that the topic of discussion is what I am "hyper-focused" on and after that conversation I draw back into my own world. If there is a picture dictionary my face would be the epitome of highly introverted when adding labels or the need to describe me. I never became interested in my diagnosis even after countless therapist's and psychiatrist's kept labeling me as being neurodivergent but it wasn't until I came across my new therapist who actually took the time to understand me and removed the neurodivergent title and broke each part down. I then conducted 3 heavy non-sleep days of research and found that I am basically a one of a kind extremely rare person which is why I am not the typical textbook client/patient. What I have found (which might be helpful to you as it made logical sense to me during my research) is that ADHD, OCD, and Autism (I do not know other medical diagnosis I am just focused on what I have) are basically computer systems. How I was able to make sense of this is in technical terms: your body is the computer and these attributes are the windows program that the computer runs and operates on. Because I have all three programs my body now has to produce a mass amount of energy, time, and process data at a much greater speed, intensity, thought, etc... more than anyone else. Since my body is not using just one baseline program it is operating on all 3, oftentimes it causes the "system"/my body to crash when all 3 of the programs are pushing to be the default program. I never got swept up in the labels anyone said to me nor have I cared what people thought of me. All I understood was that there are things I like and things that I will not tolerate at all. What I am experiencing has helped me academically but now putting all of the pieces together I do see how anything that is "boring" to my mind or not giving me any dopamine stimulation I cannot engage in. I learned throughout my 30 plus years of life to encourage myself, build my own self-esteem up, and treat people as seasons, which means to me that no matter the length of time a person is in my life when I am ready for them to leave (due to pushed boundaries) or they walk away, I take it as their season with me as concluded. Due to my research. I finally have the words to articulate my experience. I have the understanding of how this happened (whereby I have found that it is a birth "defect" during brain development...so whatever my birth mother was doing was not good for me while I was developing), and now I am able to properly describe even in detail to others why I am the way that I am. Although I do not consider nor accept myself as "broken" my favorite song is by Kelly Clarkson "Broken Beautiful" as I never wanted anyone from friends, family, or medical doctors to "fix" me. All I needed was understanding as I was tired of people calling me everything I felt I was not. I do not process emotions the same way as others. I do have emotional intelligence (as it is not logical to my brain). I am socially appropriate, which can take me weeks to months to recuperate from so any event that I have to go to I have to mentally prepare for beforehand. I am not the person to call for regular chit-chat or small talk as my brain needs a topic and a problem to solve, on the flip side, I am the person everyone calls in a crisis as I am not emotional and everything I say has a reasonable logical solved problem. Overall, I am glad to know that even though no one else has all 3 "programs", there are shared experiences across the board that can help me understand my own behaviors and to break down the stereotype that social media and the entertainment business jokes about or has completely wrong when it comes mental health. -keys

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