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About a year ago this time I had gotten light headed and hit my head on a hard wood floor. I was not drinking water and I stayed up for two day and took a nap and stayed up another 2 days after hitting my head because that was kinda scary and I have insomnia and was very stressed trying to find a job. This was all gradual for the 1st week or two hearing voices, (my time frame is off cause this was all a blur for me trying to recall what happened.) or seeing shadows out of the corner of my eyes move. I didn't think much of it at the time until one night cause I figured I was just tired or stressed.
BUT this one night everything stepped up into a month long horror story of seeing morbid images everywhere. I went to the hospital every other day for a week. (My medical bill is huge.) After the 1st week I lost my memory and only could recall vague details about me and my life, the people in it etc places and experiences Ive had. A lot of moments I could never get back with out somehow re-remembering but I could not. (To this day there are still some noticeable gaps in my memory but I have re remembered many things)
As in horror story I was seeing myself attack people and I was scared nearly and what feels like literally to death that I could be a threat to other people my self included. I called suicide hot lines, but had a hard time speaking (which is why I have a hard time approaching a councilor) because I'm so nervous I cannot talk, my voice speaks and tenses to the point of my silence. (I do not want people to feel bad for me I want advice or recommendations how I could find someone to talk to I need professional help but there are some things I am struggling with.) I feel like the what I saw and heard in my head was so disturbing I wanted to commit suicide for the safety of other people and stop this emotional torment.
Its not like I want to die but I was very scared. I told the people at the hospital that I was concerned I could kill someone and at the time I thought this was serious cause I knew I wouldn't but I was concerned I had to stop myself while I still felt some level still in control (even though the whole time I did nothing but talk about it, and when I was really tripping I tied my wrists together with my shoe laces. And sometimes I would go sleep in the car to avoid contact with people and see myself hurting them.
There was nothing I wanted more to be with my friends and have comfort at the time, but the problem was that when I looked at them I saw myself hurting them. Id end up crying myself to sleep as hallucinations of snakes slithered on me and tried to talk to me, and spiders and when I would go to take a shower (which I liked to a lot cause I would cold sweat from the anxiety) I would see myself dead on the floor, this was the most realistic hallucination I have had the entire experience. The rest like a bad cartoon. I tried to think of what I had to say about my own death but there were no words.
I had went to the doctor to get a head scan and they saw nothing wrong other then a sinus disease. I ATTEMPTED to see a councilor but when I was freaking out I had gone to a sleep center and they couldn't help me sleep no pills or IV etc and the more I was awake the worse I was hallucinating. I had no one I knew there to talk to other then this lady I didn't know. Not having someone close by made me stress out more and it was to hard for me not to panic. I was pacing and begging to go to the hospital. The way she talked to me was nice but there was something about seeing myself kill people and someone telling me I'm fine that made me feel more freaked out, and how she said it etc. Like WHY in hell aren't you worried? I watched TV, stared at the clock, tied my hands so tight behind my back it left marks, and this was comforting I was restrained that was like all I wanted was to be restrained the whole time I was tripping out. JUST to feel like it wouldn't matter what I thought I could not do anything hence not be a threat if I could just break down for a while with out being scared I would hurt someone...
++The voices in my head were telling me to drink water and calling the police, and I had police in my head. And dreams about doctors looking in my eyes with a light. Like I was a witness to a crime in my head. but the bad person in my head was me. But me and real life could not dissociate well enough between me and hallucination me.++
I was to wrapped up in the situation, I just kept telling myself and the voices that wasn't me even though I saw me. There was a lot of insecurity that makes me feel a bit broken. Id never do this to a person but how could I stop being afraid of this?
I never acted out violently, however I did emotionally break down so so many times and try to sleep it off.
I spent a lot of time talking sense into myself not to get lost in my experience of bad visions and trying to be helpful voices that despite the good intention scared the shit out of me.
I no longer hallucinate as of 6 months ago. I still hear voices late at night or seldom during the day. I get violent thoughts still but I sit myself down a lot and think about how am I going to work on this other then just sleep and self pity parties.
I hope to find maybe other people who have experienced something like this and anything that helps. I know I need professional help. I'm scared because I'm not sure how to approach this and I would like something more natural then medication. like a health coach, and councilor that will stick with me and wont try to proflile, qwick diagnose me, and someone that can be patient with me and take my insurance. Maybe someone that would be okay talking to me online a while till I feel comfortable talking in person.
Things I do that sometimes helps.
I watch cartoons that take my mind away from anything negative like Dexters lab.
Tea, lots of tea and hot milk with honey.
one of my friends said to try and make a cartoon of made up characters to get out of the situation, I tried it but it didn't really help as much cause it was hard not to not talk about details that would make me cringe. Even if I draw a lot I feel uncomfortable drawing those things.
I've tried symbolic drawing and this seemed more affective.
To re associating onto things like video games, at least it is now appropriate to think violent, this is where it belongs and I wish it would stay there. Like dead or alive 2 or soul caliber, castlevania, things that are not real belong with the other things that are not real.
This oddly does not affect me the same as watching movies (unfortunately) even anime though not as much I get to emotionally into the characters and I feel bad even though they are not real for projecting those kinda of thoughts on them.
I have the impulses to punch myself in the head, but I keep telling myself this wont help anything. I feel like swinging sticks into trees or some object would help but I do not have that access.
My family is not supportive of me seeing a councilor, and they when I talk to them make me feel more freaked out like talk about possession and telepathy that leads me to believe they also are nuts. -_-
I am afraid to go alone, but I dont have any friends who would be willing to stay with me somewhere I could get help, even if it would make it less stressful to get help.
I have walked into the office maybe 3-4 times by myself and each time before my name was called I would feel claustrophobic, abandoned, trapped, and unable to breath + hot flashes and cold sweating. I end up leaving the building and chain smoking cigarettes feeling like a coward.
