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kingkierantyler
1,584 M Little Steps 6
PathStep 36 Compassion hearts71 Forum posts39 Forum upvotes46 Current upvotes46 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2021 Member sinceJuly 18, 2021
Bio

kieran, 22, i use he/him pronouns. i have three cats that i’m trying to get better for.

Recent forum posts
hopeless
Depression Support / by kingkierantyler
Last post
 January 22nd, 2022
...See more i haven’t eaten consistently in like two months. my stomach hurts and i don’t have any groceries. i only have $11 until next month. i don’t have anyone to reach out to because all my friends think i’m toxic and my fiancé left me. my family lives a state away cos i moved out here like a dumbass. i don’t want to breathe anymore but i don’t have any energy or anything to do hurt myself with. i haven’t been able to sleep since last week and i’m miserable. everyone i try to talk to gets drained and stops talking to me. i feel stupid for even trying to reach out. i don’t know what the point of anything is.
can’t turn off brain
Personality Disorders Support / by kingkierantyler
Last post
 July 24th, 2021
...See more i don’t even know what to say. every time i try to talk to someone i feel like i’m toxic and draining. when i first came in with my problem, i would tell a listener that i had ptsd and bpd and they would disconnect. my cousin lets me talk to her but she’s like 17 and i feel like i’m burdening her and ruining her innocence. i’m so lonely and i never leave the house. i would give anything just to go to sleep forever. but i have three cats and a trauma group and 9am that i have to wake up really early for and it’s almost midnight and i’m up. i haven’t been able to sleep since wednesday last week and it messed up a big surgery for me. i’m always worried and depressed and all i do is self-sabotage. i don’t want to be me anymore.
vent /tw just in case
Personality Disorders Support / by kingkierantyler
Last post
 July 24th, 2021
...See more i’m not in a stable state right now. not really easy to talk to or healthy in any way. everything just kind of hit really hard today. i don’t even know why at this point because my brain is spinning and i can’t breathe. finally made it out of the house today to my welcome group at an iop facility. i took shr**ms like an hour before because i’m a dumbass and it hit like right when i left. i’m honestly probably on two other substances tbh. everything was really overwhelming but i’m scheduled for wednesday and thursday. i can’t do tomorrow due to my cat having a vet appointment. when it was over i went on the search for a pack of cigarettes because i’ve been stuck in the house for three days without cigarettes and i was desperate. then i had to run to my friends house to pick something up but the bus went on a detour right before my stop and so did i. i was going past her house house like thirty minutes away from both hers and my own house. i got off on a familiar street that connects with my own and thus started my angry walk back to my shitty apartment. i was two blocks away from the tobacco shop i used to go to relapse all the time. so i went there and pulled out $100 and spent $150 additionally on things i really shouldn’t have. then i walked to the grocery store, which included walking up the street past my old apartment and thus started the flashbacks of all the abuse my ex and the guy that r*aped me that they left me for twice starting playing full blast. i started hearing these sirens and they kept getting closer, no matter how loud i turned my music up. there were no r*zors at the grocery store and it made me want to scream and explode so i had to go to a cvs and get those things i think you use on your eyebrows or whatever. then i walked home and all the shame set in of all the toxic stuff i had done. i put my phone on dnd so i wouldn’t say stupid things to hurt people and i still did. my friend had not responded this entire time and finally did but i didn’t hear her call for a bit cos my phone was on dnd. she offered me a lyft but i was too burnt out and had a bunch of shit i needed to drop off now. i could barely walk anymore and my body is sweaty and weak but i made it back to the hellhole where the love of my life left me to rot. i’m on the couch and i had to take my clothes off because i’m far too overstimulated. my body hurts so much and im so stiff. i want to pop a schoolbus to kill this feeling and just sit in the dark of my room with the ac on blast. i don’t want to talk to any of my friends and i feel too unstable for any of the listeners but i needed to vent. i’m sorry if i triggered anyone or overburdened you with any of my bullshit.
recent breakup/fresh trauma (TW)
Personality Disorders Support / by kingkierantyler
Last post
 July 23rd, 2021
...See more my partner of three years left me in may. we were engaged and i genuinely do not understand why anyone would want to marry me. the first year was okay, but i experienced a lot of mistreatment from the people who were my ‘roommates’ but in reality people just stayed at my house and didn’t pay rent. i believe they had hit me in the first year. they hit me four times total and cheated on me four times. my bpd was getting worse and i communicated that to them and they told me they would support me no matter what but i couldn’t take care of myself at one point and it was too much for them. they no longer talk to me and i feel as if i’m detoxing from a hard drug. i’m able to see how they hurt me now but i still care and still love them. i feel like ive lost my life worth living. in the last few months, i’ve not been able to leave bed or leave my home. i get up to feed my cats like three times a day and go back to bed. i have very few friends to reach out to and my therapist doesn’t see me as often as i need and isn’t incredibly accessible. i do not think i can be hospitalised again, i don’t know what to do with my cats and i don’t want to get rid of them but i also feel like they deserve better. i need more support and access to dbt but i haven’t found much in the past three years. i really don’t know what to do because this is the worst my bpd has ever effected me. i was also hit by a car and assaulted a few months before our relationship started and hadn’t healed from that. [Edited by @QuietMagic 11/20/21 to add TW]
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