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kiwi1190
531 M Embraced 4
PathStep 31 Compassion hearts30 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2021 Member sinceAugust 28, 2021
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My trauma and what I still need
Trauma Support / by kiwi1190
Last post
 August 31st, 2021
...See more Hello guys, I'm here to share my story and hopefully get some helpful feedback for what I'm experiencing now. To start from these experiences and traumatic topics in about to discuss I was left with: complex post traumatic stress disorder(cptsd) generalized anxiety, and a bit of a lost feeling that has been engraved in mind throughout my life, I am a sexual abuse survivor, I was raped almost every day for 6 years age 4-10, the abuser was my own biological father, for years I couldn't get help I couldn't ask for help because I was threatened, hit, raped, and locked in his room if I even seemed like I was going to rebel against the cycle. My mom was unaware and did all the work in the family she wasn't home too often. When I was 7 I was admitted to the hospital for severe internal bleeding and nothing came of it. I was just sent home. Back to the abuser, and back Into hell. Fast forward at 12 I took him to court for everything with the full backed support of my mom it took two years to gather up enough testimony and push the case Through court, but once i was 14 we did it 9/11/19 we won, he was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole, and proceeded to commit suicide In maximum security state prison months later. I was free so relieved and ready to build my life back correctly, and that I did, therapy, self work, pushing to get back every last piece of my mental security. I believed I had accomplished it. Within that I made a mistake I forgot that this is a life long process, and that continuous effort is needed to maintain mental health in a brain like mine. I'm now 16, I'm mentally self abusive I have full blown terrifying cptsd, and I'm doing everything I can to try to put myself back on my feet to feel free again. It's in my head, I have so much self blame and hatered for myself that I send myself Into full on panic attack's with how I treat myself in my mind. Ive been using positive self talk and the support of those around me to try to kick this so I can feel normal again. I need advice I am safe, I physically have everything I need. But mentally something still needs work. Something is eating away at me and I definitely need some help defeating it again
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