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kjmc
1,736 M Hopeful Heart
PathStep 15 Compassion hearts43 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceNovember 3, 2019
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Struggling
Anxiety Support / by kjmc
Last post
 January 9th, 2022
...See more My workload is bringing me high stress levels. The pressure from my managers is intense, adsing the multiple backlogs.
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How Do I Forgive Myself
Trauma Support / by kjmc
Last post
 February 2nd, 2021
...See more It's been more than a year ago since I encountered an inappropriate sexual situation. I was at a beach party with a close gay friend of mine. He was with his other friends as well. They let me drink, and I was able to drink about 5 shots of hard liquor. After a while, I started feeling dizzy. It was already 11 pm and I was about to meet my lover who was also at the beach party but situated in another spot different from where I was. Despite being sleepy because of the alcohol, I was still able to go where he was at and meet him. I stayed there for a while and had a chat with him and his friends. A few moments passed, my lover and I decided to go on my friend's spot at the party. My lover stayed there for a while and had a chat with my friend as well. It was past midnight already when he decided to go back to his spot and I stayed on mine. We planned to meet again in the morning, so we bid our good night's. As I was on our spot, my close friend had to go to the bathroom and so I was left alone with a bunch of strangers in that area. This guy (a friend of my close gay friend), sat beside me. He then started chatting with me, asking me who the guy I was with earlier. I told him that the guy earlier is my lover. He then started to sit closer to me, but then I noticed so I blocked his actions using my hands. I already felt that he was flirting with me, and because I already felt dizzy because of the alcohol, all I could do was call or message people whom I know is at the beach party, especially my lover, for help. Unfortunately, no one responded except for my lover. I told my lover that this guy was flirting with me, and I asked my lover to go get me. I felt uneasy and uncomfortable the whole time, yet I still gave this guy the benefit of the doubt since he was my close friend's friend. This guy started whispering sexual things, which bothered me. He moved his face near mine, but I constantly avoid him. When I turned my head, his face was a few centimeters to mine. He then kissed me. It wasn't torrid or anything like that. It's more of him pressing his lips into mine. It didn't feel forced, but still I feel violated for him doing that to me without my consent. I knew what was happening but I wasn't able to discern and make a quick judgment of defending myself. I did not intend to kiss back, but I also was not able to do anything. After that, I felt myself shut down. I hear him talking but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I was lost at thought and I couldn't comprehend properly what just happened. I was completely offguard and overwhelmed. Just a short moment after, someone tapped my shoulder. I turned and saw it was my lover. He came to get me and bring me to their spot. He was angry at me since he felt intense jealousy and began overthinking of why this guy was with me. I didn't know what to do or what to say and feel, so I just burst out into frustration that I was kissed. He got completely mad and I saw how he cried. After what happened, our relationship got wrecked. He believes in me but he doesn't trust me anymore. I do my best to earn his trust again and mend our broken relationship, but what happened has already been embedded in his mind. Despite my efforts of fixing what we have, it still isn't enough. I know he can forgive me, but he views me in a different way now. I want to focus all my energy into rebuilding our relationship, but I also feel drained from my own personal struggles which have been the consequences of what happened. I had a hard time focusing in class, I have a low self-esteem because I feel shameful and regretful. I fully blamed myself for what happened to me. I feel so frustrated and angry that it had to happen. I feel scared of strangers; I am distrustful towards them, which then also affected my perspective on all my existing relationships. I feel disgusted of myself, I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I feel uncomfortable when someone touches me. I feel so disrespected and violated. It feels like I am the most sinful woman ever. Up until today, that night still haunts me. I still have dreams about the snippets of what happened, and I wake up feeling bad. Sometimes I refuse to sleep because I fear I would dream badly again. There are random days where I remember what happened, and I just have breakdowns. I know forgiving is a choice and that it is essential for me to heal. But how do I forgive myself? It's very painful for me to accept that I have hurt my lover, and that because of my carelessness, I destroyed our relationship. It kills me to accept that we will never go back to the way we were, and it's all because of me. I have apologized to him and I have expressed my genuine regret and sorrow for what happened. I have acknowledged my faults and shown him I have changed my ways --- that I don't drink anymore to avoid such happening. It feels like the world keeps turning, but I'm just stuck where I'm at. I can't move on. I can't forgive myself. Please help me...
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