koln Member Profile

...See more Hello all. I am 42 and seem to have reached a low point in life. Historically I’ve been a pretty happy satisfied person so this has caught me off guard. It’s a terrible haunting depression that seems endless and debilitating. A few years ago, I was gearing up for a career change to midwifery (6year plan). I was sailing along in my nursing prereqs. Kids were getting older and more self sufficient. Then we moved to a new state, and the 12 year old started tattooing and cutting herself. Her formerly beautiful and happy demeanor has transformed into sad dark depression. She now looks like a really bad version of ally sheedy in the breakfast club. She has been suicidal and says she’s pansexual (ultimately that’s fine but obviously a complicating factor at 12). She is on the max Prozac and meets with a therapist weekly, but it never seems like much changes. The 16 year old constantly tells me to F off and leave him alone so he can play video games. They are in their rooms constantly and won’t do extracurriculars. My friends say about their kids “well I MAKE them do swim team!” And I’m like wow ok why can’t I achieve these results and I feel like crap. I can’t regain traction in my prereqs; chemistry is kicking my ass. It’s so hard for me. Plus I work 4 days a week and have to perform well. I do have a nice husband (not kids father) but I can’t talk to him all the time about my depression and listlessness. It makes him feel hopeless as well. I do try to go to yoga or hike w my dog everyday. Also I’m a member of a high demand Christian religion of which I’ve basically lost all faith over the last few months. The leadership is completely out of touch. It taught that if I raised my kids with these good principles they taught, then my kids would be happy and love the gospel as well and follow in a good path. Well, my kids hate church and are atheists and want nothing to do with it. I am trying to still believe in a god who can help me, but it’s been unmooring to realize that what I thought was true my entire life isn’t and because it’s my family culture, it’s not easy to extract myself from. Anyway, it feels like an endless treadmill and nothing has an easy answer. I feel like if my kids were happy and open to peaceful relations with me, then I could be happy. I know this is wrong—that I’m responsible for my own happiness. But the circumstances really get me down most days. I don’t want to take antidepressants because of potential weight gain and sexual interference. Thanks for reading. I’m not necessarily looking for advice about the kids as it just makes me feel more like a failure because I’ve literally tried everything. I’m more just wondering if anyone here can relate to the feelings of failure and depression and wondering what the point is.

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