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kxls
3 153 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2026 Member sinceJanuary 24, 2026
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Maybe, just maybe I am a bad person.
Relationship Stress / by kxls
Last post
 January 27th
...See more I don't see myself as self-centered or self-righteous. Praising yourself isn't about thinking you're the prettiest or sexiest—I've never thought that way. What I do struggle with is being intrusive, letting my mind control what I say, do, or even see. It's hurting our relationship because I'm so self-protective, building walls around my heart. Overthinking is natural for me, but it goes overboard—I assume the worst from the thoughts he's left me with, without reassurance.For the past three years, I've been self-blaming a lot. Mentally, I'm not okay, so I've secretly asked for his help in coded ways, hoping he'd decode it. I'm struggling mostly with myself and failed to see he's struggling too. I know others' pain—that's why I hide mine, so I can help them and heal myself in the process. He wants me to open up about how I feel, but I "think" it's too much, that no one would care or stick around like he promised.He hates when I bring up breaking up—it's a trigger for him. I do it out of fear from little disagreements, terrified he'll leave first. I might sound "stupid" or "crazy," but that's the truth. Today, we talked about my recent behavior (not his), and he said the relationship feels all about me. To be honest, it's not—but I get why it seems that way since I've shared my struggles and suggested leaving. I don't want anyone hurt, so breaking up feels like it would stop my actions from burdening him.Even before we got together, I backed out because I know how my mind works. I want to heal, grow, and learn, but I don't know how. Maybe I'm the bad person here.
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