lilcc1011 Member Profile

...See more Hi guys ! My name is ci ci and I’ve been suffering w body dysmorphia, eating disorder for as a long as I can remember. When I was younger my mom would always say I had thunder things or wouldn’t let me wear certain shorts because of my “thighs” and now that I look back my thighs were perfectly fine. So she made me very self conscious about my thighs which led to me to believe I was fat so dealing w my emotions I would eat like crazy and then really regret it which actually did lead me to get thicker than what I was. When I would eat she would always say “ whatever on the lips Forever on the hips” so everytime that I did over eat or just in in general I would throw it up. Sometimes chose not to eat and then it led me to binging and I would just hate myself. Growing up I was into cheerleading and seeing how all the other girls looked I would always body shame myself. I would look up the weirdest diets, work out like crazy , throw up more , eat more , until I would just end up baiting myself some more and it’s crazy I was perfectly fine but with al the binge eating i was 158-169 lbs by the time o graduated highschool. After high school I started started standing up to my mom and honestly she made me hate myself because of how she feels about her self which took me forever to realize but even tho i was standing up for myself I still hated myself. I started smoking weed did random drugs like acid and aderal and this was once I got kicked out from living w my mom. During that time I really noticed how big I was because that was around the time I graduated so I smoked and drank a lot and which led me to eat even more and finally I just couldn’t look at myself anymore.when I got kicked out my friend took me in and she was pretty much perfect like skinny nice but and just perfect so once I realized how I looked compared to her and also I felt like I couldn’t keep a guy because of how big I was I would starve myself for days …. If I did eat I would throw up… I would take a feral a lot and I was also stressing and had a mental break down probably o fe or twice a week and just wasn’t in a good mental place which caused me to loose even more weight . By the end of that year I went from 160-125lbs . After that I thought I was perfect no one could tell me anything but not to long after that I ended up getting pregnant and didn’t know I was until I was 15.4 or 16.4 weeks and I went back to being 162 lbs and ended up hating myself again and due to me having body dysmorphia I ended up getting an abortion because I know I would end up hating myself and didn’t wanna blame my child because of my mental illness. After that went back to actually trying to loose weight the right way because looking back to how I looked before I could tell I was unhealthy and not to sure how I did loose the weight but I did but that’s when I started messing around w my ex. Haven’t seen him in years since he moved and we rekindled and I thought he was the best thing for me and turned out he wasn’t because three years after that I was depressed and lost even more weight then I did before because of the amount of stress and toxicity he put me through. There was a point you could def see my ribs and I wouldn’t even eat when I was around him I felt like he had a certain type after we broke up the first time so I thought being skinny would make him want me even more which was crazy because he would sometimes try to force me to eat but my body didn’t want it . But now I’m free from him and I did gain some “happy weight” as u would say and ir weird because I wasn’t happy I started gagging myself again but now I look at the picture and I was honestly fine . Dealt w another guy after him and few months ago he told me I was getting to skinny (I was stressing because of him and my mental health which he didn’t even know ) and never have I ever wanted to put on more weight in my life but I wanted to because I thought that’s what he wanted and I disgusted him . He left me for another girl (thicker than me) . But Right now still struggling w my weight I wanna be at 135 but I keep going from 139-145 and not too happy about it. It sucks because I just wanna love myself but my mind won’t let me and I’m tired of al my friends saying I’m “perfect” or they wish they had my body when I absolutely don’t see what they see.

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