Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
longstanding
137 M Embraced 1
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2020 Member sinceJune 23, 2020
Bio
Recent forum posts
longstanding profile picture
I'm not sure what to do? Is this abuse?
Trauma Support / by longstanding
Last post
 July 2nd, 2020
...See more (tw for abuse) Hi, this is my first post here, i'm quite new to the community. Hopefully i posted it to the right place (apologies if not). sorry for the long post, this depends a lot on context and i've been struggling to deal with it myself. I've been really conflicted lately on things that i began remembering. For starters, i'm a 18y/o abuse survivor that was diagnosed with PTSD two years ago (most likely due to child labor). I'm,, mostly over it, besides the fact my family doesn't know (yet). i know i'm highly anxious too. i used to have precocious puberty- started showing signs at age 7, and with it came problems like chest pain. for that, sometimes my mother had to touch my chest to make sure there weren't any lumps. however, i did (and still) feel uncomfortable about someone touching my body. i know she didn't mean it in a bad way, but when i remember i feel uncomfortable. like "even if it was necessary i still felt abused in a way". i'm not sure if that makes sense. i felt trespassed, and now that i remembered i feel tense around her. when i was older she told me how to check for myself but the uncomfiness of feeling trespassed never went away. two times when i was...older than 14 for sure, she faked a moan? one time speaking about something her friends said (to do an example) and the two times i felt really uncomfortable (and voiced it). she stopped, but it was really awkward for me and it kinda left a scar. that's not the only thing. last year she made a masturbation joke about me (i had previously complained about a 7-year long friend telling "private sexual things" to someone i didn't know. i'm still not sure i was 100% okay with saying that but, i trusted enough in that moment.) i feel like she may think that since "she's my mother and we're both girls" that behavior isn't weird, but i felt really uncomfortable and invaded (i was in a car and felt like running anywhere else). remembering these things makes me wanna gag if i'm honest. she's always been kinda. open? about those things, and i know she meant it well as a parent. but truth is, she went overboard in my opinion to the point where i felt trespassed. one time they accidentally found a nsfw folder of mine (they borrowed my computer) and when my mom said my dad found that i felt really uncomfortable. that's not something she should have told me (or even tell me, much less go through it to check its contents.), it feels,,,invaded. i'm not sure if that can be considered abuse (i've gone through worse things, like being groomed and almost raped by my ex-abuser, so my judgement feels cloudy) i've tried to think that she just did it trying to be a good parent but (forgive my wording) instead ended up doing stupid things and fucking up. anyways, due to this ive been really nonverbal and unable to express emotions (due to stress). and both have been nagging me to know why- out of worry, i think. also bringing me snacks i like when they go out,,but i just thank them out of politeness. but today they had a fight and i heard my name in it. (i also refuse to tell my dad because he insults my mom when he's angry, and they used to drag me into their fights when i was younger...he puts really high expectatives on me and seems to be mad when i'm anything other than happy) talking to my mother is a hard no since she's the topic of my current distress. i'm not sure if i'm overreacting and i'm really lost. any advice would be appreciated
Search more from @longstanding
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
7 total badges
Hand Shake Linked First Post Reaching out First Compassion Surviving Domestic Assaul Teammate
Report an issue