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trigger warning
Hello everyone, I'm sorry if you'll feel a bit uncomfortable with my trauma dumping today, hahaha. So yesterday my mom called me and my sister downstairs to "talk" about our plans in church (just for context, I practically grew up my whole life in this church but I never connected with it). So the reason why she asked us about our goals is because her group shared some of their thoughts on a video that the pastor showed. We call it "fragrance of Zion", so the point of this is to tell your group what you realized from the video. Anyways let's not go deeper on that, so as my mom questioned me and my sister about our goals, she also criticized us for what we're doing wrong that we need to change and she kept targeting me. She said that I don't focus on the sermon/video, I don't smile enough, I don't volunteer much to do anything at the church, I don't preach, and she kept comparing me to my friends at church. Along the way I broke down and said "Do you show me any good examples to follow?". Before I continue on why I said that let me tell you about what happened just last month. My mother kept doing the same routine of criticizing me due to my attitude at church, but she also does things that scared me and made me a bit emotionless and depressed when I'm with her. She yells at me, swears at me, and even threatened to kill me or kick me out of the house. She told me how much she sacrificed for me, which I appreciate because she does spoil me sometimes, but she always hold it against me. When I talk back or do something she doesn't like she makes me remember all of her sacrifices and how she raised me. This started maybe when I was 12 or 13, just to be clear I do some chores at home. I cook, wash the dishes, wash the dishes, and even clean the house sometimes. I did all of this even when I was still in school, but after I cook, wash, clean, and take care of my nephew at night because my sister work at 8 or 9PM and my nephew is a bit of a slow eater my mom always calls me despite when I'm in my bedroom testing and tired. Why? Because she wants water and doesn't want to stand because she's tired and teaching her online students, but even when she has no class and I point it out and gets mad saying that she's tired. The reason why she's tired is because she preaches all day. Yes, that's all she does in the morning till afternoon, I hate this because we're already poor, not extremely poor, but middle poor. She got so many job opportunities in other countries but she refused because "church comes first" this goes the same for my stepfather, he also got a ton of job opportunities in other countries but he rejected because my mom said that church was more important. Our church is like all over the world, but her reason is because at the "last days" she doesn't want to be in another country when god comes. My hatred towards the church began from there because instead of us being middle class with money that we can actually spend on things we desperately need, they prioritize the church and gives all of their money to the church. I told this to my aunt who I'm close with and she understood me because she always believed our church was a cult, she pitied me because she loves me a lot and always wanted to bring me with her. She promised to keep it a secret, but she told my grandma who also loves me and when my mom visited her, she scolded her in front of a bunch of people. This started our first real argument, she told me that how could I betray her and tell someone about her behind her back. I cried and told all of the things I've been holding back and I cried especially at how she threatens to kill me just because of my attitude at church and you know what she said? "And? Do you think id really do that to you?" I told her that that's not the point and her words hurted me and she just dismissed me and told me about how hard her life was when she was a kid and my stepfather jumped in and scolded me too. I felt hopeless and tired so I just apologized. That's why I told her "Do you show me any good examples to follow?" I started off with the same thing I said last time and she told me how I was selfish and self-centered once I told her that I don't believe in the god they were worshipping anymore. I told her that how was I supposed to believe in god if that's how she treated me and do you know what she told me? She said "So? Then don't come anymore", I was heartbroken because she still didn't understand what I was trying to say and I told her that I just wanted her to talk kindly to me and I told her the reason why I couldn't apologize properly or be empathetic is because she never apologized to me even after our first conversation. My stepfather told me if I want them to respect me then I should respect them too, like how am I supposed to learn respect when they never respected me? Anyways I just broke down crying in my bedroom before my sister came to my room and she told me something that I have never heard from this family in my entire life "I'm sorry". I just cried even more because it was the first time someone actually apologized to me in this family. I wasn't the one apologizing, and I guess it just made me so emotional that I cried the entire time we talked. Something about my sister is that my mother did the same thing to her that she was doing to me, my mother even threatened her with a knife before, but my sister told me on how much she envied me for being the favorite and how our mom spoiled me. I started to understand her more and she told me that we should understand our mom because she might have trauma from how she was raised (my grandparents didn't really treat her well and even punished her harshly). I understand that, but does she have to take it out on us? Anyways this was long hahaha, I hope you all can give me your opinions. I'm still a bit emotional and me and my parents haven't talked at all today except for my mom taking my tablet because her laptop was broken and she uses mine. Anyways that's all, I hope you can also tell me if I was wrong or not. Thank you! 🤍
