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lovingSugar8184
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupTeen Last activeJanuary, 2026 Member sinceJanuary 20, 2026
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I feel worthless and like I've failed everyone and I don't deserve peace
Depression Support / by lovingSugar8184
Last post
 January 21st
...See more I'm almost 17 years old. I've been having these feelings for quite some time now probably more than a year now. It all started with a difficult relationship of mine (my first one), I felt neglected and that she wasn't paying any attention to me at all. I think that she felt that I was overwhelming her so it ended ugly and it really hurt me...It ended like around 6 months ago, and everyday, until maybe few weeks ago I used to think hours about what happened and like replay all that ***, but now I have bigger problems on my mind than her, and I guess I don't care about her anymore but I was just a stupid kid back then. I have like a ChatGPT account full of this *** like thousands of chats of this stuff, and I guess I'm tired of just talking to a bot and I want to talk to real humans now. I have the most shittiest, toxic family ever, like we are all full of ***. I have a sister who makes us all cry and literally we're all scared of her. My little brother, his mouth is just full of ***, he calls everyone, not just us, my parents too, ***, ***, shitholes and says F word, all these things on daily basis. My other sister and me we're the normal ones, with normal problems, i mean we all have problems but I'm not going to delve into that. I've learned to control myself and distance myself from them, cuz I can't bear them anymore, it hurts me because I know my younger brother needs me in his life and it's a responsibility on me, but I'm just ignoring him because I want to avoid his insults. That sister of mine doesn't care, I mean she is like a mole rat anyways, spending time in her room. My dad on the other hand, he's just so insistive on his own ideas, that much that it's created HUGE fights and shouts in our family all the neighborhood can hear. I used to be exactly like my dad, but I've learned to become colder and care for myself more than others, so I don't expect anything from others. My mom on the other hand, grew up in a rich family, I see her mother abusing and shouting at servants whenever we come to visit it just makes me dislike her overall but I guess I'm used to it at this point. I guess she took that behavior from my grandmother, she does not want to hear any other person's opinion, does not let other people talk and just acts insanely bossy. That sister, the normal sister is just rude and has no respect, she does not swear, but she has no respect for anyone. My dad wants me to stay when I'm 18 and do my undergrad here. He says stuff like, there are tons of great memories waiting to be built and things like that. I honestly don't understand that, because my family is ugly, my family is full of hate and there is nothing beautiful about my family. I honestly just want to run away (this is not like a teen is dreaming of running away from his family and that kind of cliche. I honestly can't live with them anymore. It's just hurting me. You guys do not know what my sister is like. You don't know how troublesome my dad's reactions to her is. You don't have any idea of what ugly fights happen every week) On the other hand, I feel like I've failed my family. Everything my siblings have become is my fault, I've failed as an older brother, I've failed as an oldest son and even still.......I'm avoiding that responsibility and trying to distance myself when my parents clearly need me. I feel like I failed at loving my mother, the woman who will love me the most, unconditionally....so if I failed at loving the woman I had to love, like It was a responsibility on me, why do I deserve to love someone I WANT to. I trained myself to stop dreaming of an 'every young boy's dream lover', because my conscience is telling me I don't deserve it, because I've failed at loving my mother and my family. I know I'm know that depressed, I guess most people feel like me, but I guess I'm weak and I can't deal with any ***. I know much more people deal with much bigger *** than I do. I feel so drained and tired. I used to have tons of passions, but they all died and I'm just aimless with my life goals. My only living passion that I have is Music, literally that's the only one...That is the only source of joy in my life, I even feel like that passion is dying. I used to go out with a group of many friends when I was 13, goof around, play sports, whatever but I don't know why... I just became anti social and I literally have no friends nowadays. I'm even distant from my own best friend, but having him at least just makes me happy. He lives halfway around the world anyways. I'm just cooped up in my house and when I go outside it's just to run away from my family when there's shouting and a fight. I feel burned from my studies, like burned from everything. I feel overstressed. My eyebrows are half gone, literally, the thick eyebrows I used to boast about how proud I was of my East-Mediterranean heritage, GONE. My hair was falling out at one point but I guess I fixed that with cutting it short. You guys can make fun of me all you want, I know the online world is famous for toxic people. I don't want any sugarcoating, I want something that can change my perspective. At this point, it feels like a reality, but something inside me is telling me that I'm destroying myself like this. Or maybe, my ego won't let me fix it...So, I just want to feel at peace for one day, without any bad thoughts.
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