ludogarrel Member Profile

...See more hi everyone. it’s my first time seeking help so i really don’t know how to do this, but i think i might have some kind of avoidant personality disorder. i read about it last year, i don’t even remember where, and it’s stuck with me ever since. is it possible? am i really destined to a life of failed social interactions and isolation and pity and self-loathing? probably. the thing is, i am incredibly shy. i wasn’t always introverted (i had a pretty good childhood with lots of friends, actually), but then something shifted and i can’t for the life of me go back to that starting point. call it puberty, i don’t know - i just became aware, at some point, of how inadequate i was and probably always will be. i carry within myself a shame i can’t really explain. i’m embarrassed of myself, i loathe myself, i try to be anything but myself. i think it has to do with the way i look, but it’s deeper than that. there’s a part of my appearance that i particularly despise (my teeth, not really white, can’t do anything about it) and from the moment i became conscious of that, of how disgusting other people definitely think i am, i haven’t been able to be comfortable in my body. i hardly ever speak to people i don’t know, terrified that they might see my teeth and run away in disgust; i cover my mouth when i smile or laugh, every single time; i spend my life hiding. so afraid as i am of strangers, i’ve always had a hard time trusting other people. when others do try to get to know me, i always just assume that they do it as a joke, that all they want to do is gain my trust so they can make fun of me or something. i’m always on the lookout, always looking for hints of this big joke i apparently am the butt of - it’s really exhausting. not only for me, but for others too. there are people who genuinely want to get to know me, but i always end up pushing them away - this intense fear and ingrained shame i feel all the time won’t let me open up. i have let my guard down a few times (with friends or ‘romantic interests’), but even then i couldn’t get rid of this awful feeling. i have trouble verbalising my love for others, i feel insanely embarrassed showing physical affection to people, no matter how hard i try not to. that’s not to say that i’m completely alone - i do have friends, and i’m glad for them, but i know that even they will get tired of this (of me), eventually, i just know it. even if it’s not apd, something’s definitely wrong. i just can’t figure out what exactly by myself - someone help me.

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

I understand that it's not always easy to reach out and ask for help when...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio