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my boyfriend and I have been dating since 2021 of February-March. Prior to that I met him Nov 2020 and we liked each other but didn’t date. Here is some background info, we live 50 minutes away from each other, I wouldn’t consider us long distance but we see each other only 1 day out of the week when we can. Our interactions are either over text or call. We are a lot more different compared to our early stages of dating, but I feel as if his habits and actions that I dislike continue to stay with him. I don’t want to make a generalization but I have noticed many guys who are in these “committed” relationships who have eyes only for their girlfriend, they tend to search for half naked girls. And they normalize this type of behavior. Tits and ass all out and of course these type of girls know what attention they are getting by posting pictures like that. I get it, cater to the male gaze. But that isn’t what makes me uncomfortable. It’s the fact that he thinks I would find it completely ok for him to look at these images. I have been through this conversation with him multiple times. Since the beginning of our relationship actually. It makes me uncomfortable knowing that I am not the only girl he looks at in a certain way. I know it isn’t considered cheating because he isn’t actually talking to her or doing anything physically. But the fact that he’s giving attention to another girl, feelings, attraction. It still is a real girl and it breaks my heart every time I find him doing these things behind my back. There have been numerous times where I have caught him in the act, he tries to excuse himself with a sob story about how he grew up addicted to it, apologizes and then promises he won’t do it again and how he loves me so much and how he’ll change for me. My boyfriend has done this to me at least several times throughout the course of our relationship. These were times where I cried to him explaining how uncomfortable and insecure it made me feel, that I felt I wasn’t good enough for him, and how could I trust him to not do it to me again? I really feel so hopeless. I’m so stuck between wanting to trust him and not trusting him at all, I feel regretful sometimes for giving myself away to him emotionally and physically. Because he can hurt me over and over again, the more I stay I find it harder to leave.
I end up feeling guilty too, his father recently passed this year. I have been there for him and we have been through some rough stuff together, I feel if I leave him alone then he will be devastated. But I don’t understand, if someone loves you as much as they proclaim to, don’t you think they would try to get out of their old ways to respect you and your feelings? I’m so confused. I feel like he should’ve changed his ways along time ago, or at least the first time when I caught him. I forgave him not once but multiple times, I still try to move on from it yet I find myself filled with anger and betrayal anytime I think about it. This makes me feel so hopeless and sad, tired too. I fall for his words every single time and yet I see no action behind the words. I am so stupid for believing in him, I want to be there for him and love him but he makes it tiring for me. I don’t know why he feels the need to lie to my face and I know he does, at this point it is easy to read him. I also have a gut feeling and the way he is overprotective about his phone, he tries to remain nonchalant about it when I try to go through it but I know he deletes stuff or hides it. I don’t know, it makes me feel all too paranoid and anxious. Is this normal in a relationship or is this something I have to fix myself? Does he have to fix it?
Sometimes there are things about him that i ignore, I am almost denial of his faults or wrongdoings and I unconsciously do it to avoid getting hurt. I know that is a problem and I’m sure not healthy at all but I really feel stuck and terrified in the moment. I almost freeze up and never know what to say when it comes to confronting him. I even feel he wants me for sex and his pleasures most of the time in person, i hardly find him ever asking about me as a person and genuinely in tune with hearing me talk of nonsense and myself. I don’t know, I have always wanted to be with someone who is just as interested in me as I am with them. Even if what we conversation in is silly. I want a person who genuinely loves being with me as much as I do without having to turn it sexual. I don’t really feel that he wants me as much as I want him in a wholesome way. Our lives are completely different and the distance doesn’t help either, but I feel I am the one who over loves and wants attention. My boyfriend can go days sometimes without calling, his texts are short as well since he claims to not be good at texting. But I think no matter how busy you are, you will still make time for the other person if they are important to you. He tells me I am and that he misses me but I feel the opposite. Sadly, I find it hard to believe in his words but I still tolerate it. I think he’s dishonest a lot in so many things with me and now I’m completely dishonest with myself and how I feel. I think I have put my feelings aside so many times to please him and be there for him. I feel he has no space for me in his life or heart. Sometimes he brings up marriage and children, but I feel my love towards him isn’t that strong enough anymore to even see a future with him. I don’t know what to do anymore.
