maeonautopilot Member Profile

...See more It is difficult to articulate the situation I am in. Seemingly from an outer perspective, these last six years have brought stability and routine when I had a previous reckless history. With that being said, I feel immense pressure in this relationship and I have exhausted the amount of complaints, which only means it’s time to create a way out. I moved to this area knowing one person and met my boyfriend through work, it was something I wasn’t looking for but came at me like a big wave and kept that way for a year. After a year, I noticed that we were seeing each other less and when we did it was because I drove to see him. We broke up for a brief moment that year and after two weeks he reached out saying he had never felt so awful before in his life. By the end of year two we were considering moving in together and decided to pick a location different. It’s been four years that we’ve lived together and I’ve started to feel absorbed. No individuality and stuck in a routine that does not bring me joy or growth. I feel like I’ve been conditioned to act a certain way, say certain things, and be all admiring and immersive in the relationship and nothing else. I live far from family so it’s not often I get to see them, I lost contact with friends or had friendships dissolve that have outlasted eras of me. I played piano and would go to play music or see it if I were invited. I loved to backpack and hike and breathe fresh air, live in trees, and jump in cold water. But my life has turned into sports and television series and video games. Things I’ve never indulged in and are not important to me. I’ve asked for day hikes, weekend camping trips, and road trips + travel, but I’m met with a “yes I totally agree and I’ve noticed we haven’t, let’s plan blank and blank” but with no follow through. I’ve taken it upon myself to start doing those things on my own with invitation extended, the answer is always no and oddly when I go on my own, I’m shunned for doing something without him. It’s been six years of broken promises, creating a future that does not exist or has no foundation to with dreams, staying in the apartment all the time, and enticing me with what I love whilst I experience deprivation from it. I am starting to feel manipulated in certain ways and have been working heavily on creating boundaries to protect myself (they seem to be blurred despite my efforts). I pay my half of rent but with a low income job and we have pets together. This disconnect combined with intense clinginess and daily power play is becoming exhausting. Furthermore, he brought up how he sees my unhappiness, how he is unhappy too, and it has been that way for years. My heart opened to be seen and not just as an extension but as an individual. We discussed breaking up because of the incompatibility and I thought we were closing this chapter. The next day he came home and wept, started trembling, and had a full panic attack in front of me saying that he didn’t mean any of it and I am the love of his life. I felt so guilty for causing him such pain in the moment that I said we could put the conversation aside. Now I’m here with depression worsening and with multiple attempts to bring up that conversation but being intimidated out of it every time. What are the possible steps to take in this situation??

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Therapy is a worthwhile investment in yourself. I know it may be...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio