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maggiemay1410
479 M Embraced 4
PathStep 14 Compassion hearts27 Forum posts18 Forum upvotes49 Current upvotes49 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2018 Member sinceJune 11, 2015
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Alone
Depression Support / by maggiemay1410
Last post
 April 25th, 2018
...See more I've depression and bulimia, but I think the depression is worse.. it pushes me into the arms of the bulimia.. the bulimia is a way of hiding from this darkness that lurks inside of me. But because of the bulimia no mental health service will touch me, I have to wait for eating disorder unit. Waiting months. I tried to go back to work yesterday after a week off, but I broke down and got sent home. But I couldn't go home, I'm 37 I live with my parents, failure to launch I think I read somewhere. My parents, my mother in particular is difficult. When I first got signed off I didn' tell them cause I was scared to tell them, I just drove around all day for 8 hours. I then told them and dad felt sad I hadn't been able to tell them and my mum shouted that I had no reason to be depressed, can't I see how much stress they are under. it's never been mentioned again, and again I drive around pretending. And I'm so sad, so frightened. Part of what frightens me is how empty my life is... My life revolves around my family, I have very few friends... and yet my parents are so hard.. everything is about them.. My mother in particular... they are trying to move and get a council property after my dad was made redundant and all I hear is how my income is pushing them over the threshold, they can't get a house because of me. I once replied "fine kick me out" and my mum replied but then we won't get a 3 bedroom. And I feel so guilty cause when I'm sad my mum starts shouting at me saying how much stress she is under and she can't deal with anymore. So I hide it. I deal with it myself. When I broke down at work I was advised that maybe my house was making things worse and I should go to council for myself. But I do that then it will affect my parents, if I do that then I'll be totally on my own. II'm so scared.. I just want to cry, i want someone to hold me and just get it all out.. but I can't because there is no one.. And there are days where I just want to self destruct... I want to scream.. I want to cry.. I want to run away... and at worst I just want to sleep. I just want to sleep. I can go to the doctor and he will increase my medication, I ring the Samaritans they refer me to the doctor and to an ed support line.. and all the ed support line says this is normal, just hang in there. And each day I feel like Im fading away, slowly all that I am is being destroyed by these 2 illnesses corrupting my thinking, driving me deeper into the darkness. And no one will help, but I don' know realistically what anyone really could do... it has to come from me.. but I'm so scared of the darkness... of confronting it... I'd settle for a hug right now and the fact that's not available makes me feel more sad and more hopeless.. I'm just tired and sad that this world is as it is.. and I don't fit into it. I'm sorry for ranting.. I just need someone to hear me and understand.
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Hard week (rant may trigger sorry x)
Depression Support / by maggiemay1410
Last post
 June 13th, 2015
...See more Struggling this week. My brain won't stop over thinking. Why am I alone why am I depressed what is the point? The thoughts turn and twist and deform till I feel physically sick. The stupid thing is I can pull myself out... I've done it before... It just takes so much effort... and for what? So I can work and sleep constantly feeling unworthy not good enough... watching people have relationships I will never have. On top of it all I can't continue my uni course because I can no longer afford it. It gave me focus and now there's nothing. I feel cut off from everything. I've started staying in bed longer... I just lay there but my brain still turns. Now I'm drinking and I never drink but it numbs me temporarily. I popped a painkiller I scratched my skin... just to feel nothing. I think I need to go back to the doctor to see about some help but I've been here so many times before I feel like I'm a hopeless case. I'm sure the doctor rolls his eyes everytime I pop in. There are people much worse than I. .. I feel like I choose this.. If I just get up and find the right book, the right diet, the right miracle pill I will be better. If I just pull myself out of it... I am only human. What I wish for most out of anything that I had someone that I could say this to.. someone who could just hold me while I have a cry.. someone who wouldn't judge. don't get me wrong I have parents, I have a brother and sister but the minute I cry or show signs of sadness I am told off and told to stop wallowing. They mean well and maybe they have a point. I feel like a weight they have to carry... though I try not to burden them. I have a terrific spade and a deep pit I try to bury my feelings in.. Unfortunately the pit is starting to erupt under the pressure and here I am smothered in all the stuff I try to bury. I need a bigger pit 😕. I'll be fine I'm working later I just don't want to go there and cry. Deep breath. I just needed to get that out. I scare myself sometimes. But I will be ok... I just don't want these thoughts in my head. I want a new brain...or a magic wand. Always looking for a miracle. I'll shut up now. Thanks for listening it helps just writing this I should journal. Shoulda woulda coulda says it all ☺ much love mags
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