mamapants Member Profile

...See more 50F married SAHM I would like to say that all of my blessings can some days be burdensome, but overall I have a good life and know nobody with whom I would change places. So, I think of these as my challenges: aging parents mostly teen CHILDREN ( 5, ages 11-23) HUSBAND literal rocket scientist, retired airforce now working as an aerospace engineer in Milan, Italy. He has exposure-related slow-moving reproductive cancer removed one year ago, still not well, and may never feel so again. He is rigid and cold and spare with his affection but liberal with criticism. He is strong and loyal. ME- Born in Canada, raised in an international Jesus-hippy cult in Latin America until Mom left Dad and we moved to Austin TX in the 1980s. I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse from my grandfather (yes mother's father), and of course the violence and insanity that come with a mother who introduced me to him. I was abandoned by my Father when we moved to the states. 3 of my 5 siblings are dead, 2 to drugs/alcohol, and one to cancer. All died before age 50. I am estranged from one sister. "you got out" is the way my nephew sees me. I am a true believer. Christian by training, but I feel the spirit in the shrines and temples of Japan, in the cathedrals and streetside shrines of Germany, and in the inescapable Catholicism of Italy, but also the wind, the sun, and the earth. My sister is a healer and best friend. My BFFs are two lifelong friends from childhood. Both Mormoms by training. I studied English literature and language at the University of Texas at Austin. I feel like more of an artist than a writer but am both. I bind books for art journals in various ways. I have too many art supplies and books to call myself tidy or organized, but I would like to be both. I struggle every day with what is called recurring depression...usually triggered by big events or life changes like childbearing, grief, etc. I am fit if not slightly overweight which will pass when I get over the awesome bread and desserts in Europe. I walk places. I like riding my bike around Milan in the city traffic. I am losing my looks which is more of a problem for my self-esteem than it should be in my worldview. I have e a persistent lifelong feeling of not being quite normal which is sometimes awesome, but other times I would give anything to be "normal" or raised "healthily". Interestingly, I have lived in: Canada, Puerto Rico, Jamaica, Peru, Mexico, Texas, Wyoming, Turkey, Germany, Utah, Japan, Virginia, and now Italy. I am a glass-half-full type of person with a deep strong faith in some sort of higher power that allows for the patient acceptance of a balance between the physical and spiritual world, in the efficacy or legitimacy of every spiritual system which aids in the betterment or wellbeing of humanity. now I am tired.

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