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mangoogna
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PathStep 4 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2020 Member sinceJune 11, 2018
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Personality Disorders Support / by mangoogna
Last post
 June 13th, 2020
...See more Hello!! So I'm new here and this will probably be a long post. So lately I've been struggling a lot and so I went online to try and figure out how to help myself. I initially thought I was just dealing with anxiety and depression. My mother has bipolar-I but we've literaly never talked about it. She's been hospitalized once that I know of and I remember growing up seeing her go through her manic phases and depressive states (shed rack up a lot of debt shopping, shed be so upbeat and fun and then all of a sudden she wouldnt get out of bed except for to work, idk how she did it i admire her for working through it but i think this probably was bad for me because i havent even attempted to seek professional help until now). All through childhood I was never the kid my family wanted to be around and I felt it. All my cousins and aunts and uncles would always run to my sister, praise her, bring her gifts, she was pretty and fun and nice and loving and relatable but i could never get there. I was not pretty and I could never be funny or likable or be the one they ask for when they came over. I never really had friends, I had one friend that I hung out with through elementary school but then I just stopped talking to her. In middle school is when I first started hanging out with people, I was on the internet more and learned how to be more relatable. But I would slways be that third friend walking behind on the sidewalk. Somehow, even when there were 4 of us I found myself walking behind, lagging, trying to be in the conversation. And then there were days where I purposely lagged behind to see if they would stop or ask if I was okay and if they didn't within like 5 minutes = immediate anger, bad mood for the next day and I can't help it. Sometimes I basically do it to myself and I can't get myself to stop. High school was when I would just force myself to act happy all the time and it honestly kinda worked because I made friends my sophormore, lasting friends that I have to this day (im 22). But I can count on one hand how many times I've had a real/emotional/intelligent conversation with them and 80% of those times I was high or drunk so it wasn't really me. Anyways, fast forward to college, I was able to make friends my sophomore year (i think it takes me a year to warm up to people and gain the confidence to start a friendship based on this formula and thats annoying) that I still talk to frequently, one is my roommate. But I've still been acting. And I'm tired. I'm so tired and recently my anxiety has been really bad what with covid and my future up in the air it's just a lot of bad and its starting to impact my physical health. I like to think I'm a happy person, I love being outside, I love being around my family and friends. I know happiness, I need happiness. When I'm good, i'm funny, i like being the center of attention, i like people looking at me, but once i feel the the attention slipping, I become enraged like the hulk. Something in my brain tells me to shut down when my roommate goes to work out with our mutual friend without me. Like does that really not bother other people? I always feel this palpable tension in the air when I'm stuck in another angry episode and I can't snap out of it and I just feel terrible for the other party. I'm pretty good with not physically saying or doing anything when I'm in that terrible mood, but lately I've been snapping at my friends and I can feel them slipping away sometimes. Why do I get so angry? How is it possible for me to hold so mu h hatred in my body and then it can be gone within the hour. I'm exhausted, I need it to stop. I'm pretty good with being able to snap out of it now, but the ups and downs are killing me. I can't keep pulling myself out of it alone because I feel like one day I just won't be able to. I don't know what I want from writing this out. I think I just needed to write this out because I've never actually spoken about these feelings to anyone. How do you guys talk to people, how do you relate to them? How do you give advice and fall in love? I cant see it right now. So now that I've thrown up all over this post, does anyone relate? I just really need to talk to someone I can't live like this anymore.
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