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medina22
127 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2021 Member sinceMarch 13, 2021
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Relationship Stress / by medina22
Last post
 June 14th, 2021
...See more I have been with this man for 5 years.he was my high school sweet heart and after my previous divorce it seemed like the perfect love story. But man was I in for turmoil. He was no where near the guy I met back then. But I loved him. I still do. He exposed me to drug abuse, alcohol abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse and would leave for days at a time, talking to other girls. Finding sneaky links while pregnant on Craigslist . And yet I stayed thinking one day he will change. I saw all the red flags yet I didn’t run away his family embraced my kids and I and my mother had just abandoned her family so I felt alone and vulnerable. Then 3 years in we had a baby and then last year I got pregnant again I have 5 children now. Two his and 3 from my previous marriage and I am scared. Scared to leave and not be able to make it. I know I’m capable of pushing forward but I have no money no family and I know he will make my life miserable. I am discovering he is a narcissist. I have nothing from him. I don’t feel validated. Safe. Loved nor cared for. I have given him all the power and all of myself I am so lost. I’ve been dealing with depression for the past two years and every time I tried to come to him for support and comfort it was a fight a big nasty one. Every time is not about him it turns explosive and hostile. And blames me for reacting to the stuff he says or does. He’s been trying so it seems but it’s always something. He doesn’t leave for days now. He’s kept a job. We bought a home. But I still don’t feel like I have a partner. I just feel like I am lifting him up and I’m still dragged around. I make myself push harder to see if I’m ever worth it but never. I have never been celebrated by him. I feel like he’s robbed me of so many emotions. And he’s just sucking the life of me. But yet I’m still here. Trying for my family I really don’t want to go through a divorce again. And then it makes me question. Am I the problem. I feel like I’m surfacing depression and I’m hungry for growth and change but I know that I’m going to out grow him. I already see this. He gaslights me and manipulates me. I can never question anything or make him accountable because he gets so defensive and always thinks I’m trying to argue. I have become a raging person full of resentment. I no longer find joy in anything or stop myself because he wouldn’t want to participate in any fun or anything out of his norm. Two months ago I was ready to call it quits. Yet again he made me reconsider and I told him then we needed to seek therapy. I got a job and I’m trying to catch up financially but he hasn’t yet made an attempt to get us there. We can’t communicate. He makes me feel so alone. He’s always on his phone. Sex is so selfish. I feel like I’m so disinteresting to him. Yesterday I wanted to take the kids out for a fun day. And he woke up hungover and was in very hostile energy. I am very intuitive and free energies strong. So I asked him if he was ok to go. And from there. He started being nasty and he always does. I started feeling confused and fell into his trap. And it got physical. As it normally does. But when other people call for his help he is hands on and runs to them. But I am not important to him. I know this is the beginning of the end. But I am scared sh!t less to go out into the world with 5 kids and two horrible ex husbands. Could therapy still save this. I cannot see myself 5 more years down the line and see that this is my life. Not for my kids not for me. I cannot continue to do this! I feel so dumb. I feel so lost of hope and confused. We bought out home. I have helped him grow. Why is it so hard. Why am I the only one that sees the issues yet wants to fix this. Doesn’t he love me?
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