mi2beep Member Profile

...See more I really want to move out ..it's been so hard on me living here with my family, I don't really see us as family and I don't believe in family either, I really love my dad and mom but living with them is insane... It's like that one friend you have that's wonderful but getting closer to them is a no option. I have a really bad memory, or it's just my brain trying to protect me, but if you asked me what happened to me I will not know how to answer, I will immediately forget how I felt or just not be able to remember, and you know sometimes my mom even answers for me, she tells me things I am surprised myself that I went through that because I do not remember. Even though it's not as far as a week ago.. that's how bad it is. So I know I'll get judged really badly by south Africans here. "Just stay with your family you're not going through anything" "There are people who are going through worse" "We're not in America or Europe for you to want to move out, there's nothing such as that" It's so hurtful you know? It really is, because I know that I'm not well, even if I can't feel it, even if my body is hiding it from me I can still see and tell that I am not doing well. I've been through so much, soo.. much, maybe when I remember something I'll post it here again, but it's been so hard on me and I need to leave. I'm 18 btw, and I'm in my last year of highschool, my plan is to move out right after my last day of highschool! My dad is crazy....but he's so gentle and sweet!!! Please keep in mind my dad is wonderful I would do anything for him...just not live with him or around him, and I'm not hating on him or anything.. But my dad is seriously crazy... I'm sure if I move out or tell him to he would try to stop me in any way, or find me. Or maybe that's just not him anymore and he would let me be after obviously getting angry at me. So I'm planning to meet up with him at a Cafe or a restaurant, eat together or drink something, then tell him that I'm moving out. I chose a public place because if it was somewhere around his house he'd probably drag me in and lock me up...or just let me be and tell me he doesn't want to see my face again...(It's probably gonna be because he's scared to see something happen to me.. he's a father after all) Honestly I do have a plan on what I'll do, my issue is that I need money, and I want a business because a job here won't pay my rent...plus I'm too young and I have no skills, so I decided on business! I like business anyways I ran a couple businesses on my own...it was simple stuff tho, like pet sitting and such.. yet it was SO fun! Although I'll run a business online...I just really need support. I have only one friend, we met online, she lives in Korea, she has been my friend for 4 years maybe?, I really love her but she's way younger than me and she is also busy with her life, we barely talk and honestly...she tries to be supportive but she doesn't know how to, and that's okay!! I plan on spoiling the heck out of her when I get a job!! She's like my little sister that I never had.. she so close to my heart!. Anyway..yea I don't really have anyone to support me much or be with me throughout everything...to push me through to help me, to motivate me.. I was also hoping that I'd find a girl who lives in the same country and wants to move out too..with me, but that's impossible I can't lie they're usually scared to say things like that or they're scared to take that step and it's okay! Culture is so stressful here... I just can't find any friends here either because of the difference in the way we think. Although I did find a guy, met him online too, he had same plans as me, literally everything!! But unfortunately we weren't a match...(As friends) I don't want to get into details but he wasn't right for me and I wasn't right for him, I wasn't gonna be able to fit in nor could've he. So we parted...and now I'm alone again... I try to push myself but I just dont know maybe I'm weak, maybe I'm being lazy and can't do it, or maybe im just really tired.. i think I started job hunting and hustling so that I can move out ever since I was...I don't remember but around 12-13? And I've always wanted to move out as young as I can remember, I don't remember how young though, but younger than 12 is what I know, because I remember when I was younger I would imagine building a dragon robot that would fly me away from my parents house or I'd imagine characters would come to my window and take me away..I remember I would stay up and stand infront of my window open, gaze at the sky and imagine. I've always wanted to leave...that's proof that I'm not being stupid or dramatic.. I remember I'd yell this to my parents when I was a kid "I will leave this house" or similar stuff. It doesn't mean they're bad, my parents are wonderful I love them, really, always have and always will, and I will never abandon them, I want to spoil my mom so much get her everything she ever wanted, and I want to retire my dad send him to vacation to relax for as long as he wants and spoil himself there. Anyways yea...I've worked very hard starting from around 12-13 because I wanted to move out so bad, and I even found a job at 16 in a nursery school as an English teacher (I got treated badly tbh so I quit after a week...it was not for me) and then I ran that pet sitting job but my mom and her husband stopped me before it was even a week...and Its was literally because his son wanted to do that too but he wasn't able to so he got sad and jealous of me... I couldn't say anything because it was his house not mine...so I stopped... And then I hustled and tried to find more jobs...texted companies and all that...then I paused for a bit, then I moved out...from my mom's husband's house with my siblings only, we were gonna live with mom but mom went back to her husband and me and my siblings were left alone in the apartment, dad was living with his wife and I was not going there .. although I love her, but I've had enough living with strangers yk?. That place with my mom's husband...it was terrible... Anyway so after we moved out I decided to do coding!! I'm gonna become a software engineer! Right? So I studied so hard, hours daily on my computer, watching videos, learning, coding, taking notes, all that, just for exactly a week! Then my computer broke...got viruses and a lot of weird things happened just by my brother shutting the computer down! Like??? I feel like I'm just unlucky at this point...the computer took so long to get fixed...dad takes it to a shop then brings it back saying that it should be fixed now ..we run it..doesn't work, and repeat... And then i stopped...and moved out again... Also whenever I stop it's mostly because I felt hopeless and I have no more ideas on what to do next. I moved out forcefully to an apartment in the same building where my dad lives, I didn't want it at first but I guess I don't mind it now.. My dad kicked my cat out ..my only best friend ..I loved him so much ..he kicked him out because he was jealous of the cat...but I don't want to talk about that now...maybe I'll post about it one day. Anyway I got so depressed, because of that a lot more things going on, which I do not remember much? But I knew that if I didn't find a way to leave I will unalive myself... And I did!! I found a way!! I had such a detailed plan for it! I decided ill get back to software engineering! I decided ill try to find a job somewhere, earn enough money, pay for software engineer diploma, then after 6 months of learning I will be guaranteed a job! I even had detailed plan on how I'll secretly get the apartment to move out and all then confront my dad, it was literally from step Zero to last.. But things went terribly, my dad saw me sad and depressed and he started hating on me because of it, he honestly wasn't making things any better, he even said he won't let me work and that crushed my dreams I wanted to unalive myself that day... I even had a plan on how I'll do it...my friend gave me hope again thanks to him. Anyway... I then just ended up aksing dad for money for the diploma he said yes, I applied but it turned out it was a scam!! Yayy how amazing.. Yea I was too embarrassed to ask dad to look for another...and honestly I don't really like it, I am more of a business person.. but hey if it was gonna get me this much money why would I care? Anyway I took a break for a bit then decided ill do drop shipping... And I wanted to do twitch too because it's fun and well, I can earn money from that if I do it long term .. It was so much fun it made me happy like ..deeply, made my soul happy, so I decided to do that in the side .. I attended a zoom meeting with one of the most successful drop shipping business owner and just two days later my dad just barged into our house ..yelled at us...took my computer and left..I mean I guess we deserved it since we had the house not that clean..but it wasn't that dirty either ...it just wasn't clean yk? And honestly, that just brought me back to being sad again...I had just started being happy, genuinely, from my soul, and I've started to just be like "wait, I can just live here right? I can take care of myself and be happy" but no...not even a week ..and this happened and now I'm back to what I was... why do things only last a week or less and then it gets taken away?.. Why is it that when I'm genuinely happy and starting to feel better and alive again ...not even a week and it's gone because of something?... Well at least when dad barged in he woke me up from my delusional self...I should never forget that I want to move out, never... I feel so dead, but I'm alive and I'm not sad either, but I'm not happy. Like I'm not here ... I'm not depressed either because I'm not hopeless or sad, yes I have similar things but it's not the same depression is worse and I'm not depressed. Although...I had so much energy....and my brain was light it was able to absorb anything... but now my brain is too heavy I can't even solve simple math equations that I find stupid easy without my brain feeling so exhausted and my body feeling drained and tired...I can't even take a step towards my business because of this, I dont know what to do it's been getting worse throughout the year...even when I was depressed and wanted to unalive myself I had more energy and I was able to think fine, but not anymore, now I'm just calm, and I feel like a soul that's in the wrong body.... I know this is too much to read and I'm sorry for that, If you reached this far I appreciate you and I am very grateful..thank you so much, that meant a lot to me. Have a nice day everyone

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