mistybutnotreally Member Profile

...See more Tonight, once again, I hurt someone without meaning to. I want people to feel the full weight of the pain and frustration I’m carrying, because it genuinely breaks my heart. When I hurt others like this, it hurts me just as much as it hurts them. And the worst part is realizing that I’m not doing this on purpose, that I’m trying, that I’m doing my best, and yet it keeps happening anyway. Being too self-aware can feel like an unbearable kind of torture. You know your relational patterns. You know how you function. You know what’s wrong. You’re not in denial. You see it happening in real time, and that’s what makes it even more painful. I try to live relationships “normally,” I try to show up with good intentions and an open heart, and somehow I still end up hurting the people I care about. The protective system I built as a child because I needed safety to survive suddenly activates, and I detach from everything. Even when I don’t want to. Even when I’m aware it’s happening. I know what needs to change. I know I have work to do, and I am trying. I’m in therapy. I've been since I was 8 years old. I’m opening doors. I’m trying to let people into my heart. But despite all the effort, it sometimes feels like something else takes control for a moment, like a switch flips overnight and cuts off all feelings and interest for the other person. It’s exhausting, and it’s not a choice. I want to be able to love. I want to feel love. I want to feel special. But I can’t seem to hold onto it. I’m constantly fighting against myself, doing everything I can to build healthy and stable relationships, yet the part of me that once desperately needed control and emotional safety to survive is slowly consuming me. I feel like I’m no longer capable of loving or fully investing, and it feels like it’s getting worse even though I’m in therapy. I try everything. I change therapists. I question myself endlessly. I do the work. I really do everything that’s supposed to help, and nothing changes. And that’s the most devastating part. Being aware of your patterns but still feeling powerless to stop them is a special kind of ***. I feel helpless and lost. It feels like living with an illness I’m fully aware of, but that refuses to improve no matter how hard I try. Like screaming at the top of my lungs while no one hears you. Like punching a wall until your hands bleed, hoping it will finally break, but it never does. I feel trapped inside my own body, my own heart, my own mind. I want to love, but I can’t. I feel unbearably alone, defeated, and exhausted. And on top of everything, I end up feeling like a terrible person, like an *** for hurting people even though I’m genuinely doing everything I can to change. This isn’t denial. This is awareness without relief. And it feels like torture.

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