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mslilith13
182 M Embraced 1
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2020 Member sinceApril 3, 2020
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I'm not sure what to think or believe anymore
Trauma Support / by mslilith13
Last post
 April 3rd, 2020
...See more I'm going to try an keep this as brief as possible, but it's a long-ish story... I've a long history of mental illness (most of my life now) and ever since the death of a loved one 9 months ago, I've been doing very poorly. I'm on a waiting list for a diagnostic/assessment service in July, and besides everything's on lockdown with the pandemic. That's fine I understand that. But one of the things that's been increasingly bugging me recently is thinking back on my relationships (not that I've had many) - with boys/men principally, since I haven't had a close relationship/friendship with another girl/woman (other than my mother) since I was like... 10 years old? And the one relationship in particular that's causing me grief is the very first intimate one I had, when I was 14 years old, with my then 50 year old teacher. It lasted, on and off, in semi-secret, until I was just under 20. I though I'd moved on, but I get recurring nightmares that make me profoundly uncomfortable, and the guy today only inspires disgust in me (i.e. how could I ever have fallen in love with him, slept with him, etc...). That being said, I do not consider myself a victim of rape (even if legally, it sort of qualified as statutory rape, but not quite, in my country) or sexual abuse as such. So please, no need to try and convince me I'm a victim of rape, I'm not interested in a simple cookie-cutter narrative that I feel just doesn't fit me imposed upon me. I do, however, acknowledge the relationship had harmful aspects, and was at best unethical. I am open to the idea I've suffered emotional abuse, and that the actual trauma linked to that is only surfacing now, for gods-know what reason. The other weird thing, that is also confusing me, is that I was molested by my cousin when I was 8 years old, and I'd always thought, until very recently, that it really hadn't affected me much overall. I moreoever have good relationships with my cousin today, who regrets what he did to me (he was aged 13 at the time) deeply. So the problem isn't there. What bugs me is that also wonder if, in effect, that event didn't perhaps affect me more than I thought, if only on a more subconscious level. I never talked about any possibility of sexual/relationship trauma with the few shrinks I had, nor was it ever really investigated by my latest one (who knew me after the relationship with the teacher had more or less ended). But I do have minor issues with my sexuality (at least I think so), and besides that I have major issues with social interactions and relationships in general, but that extends beyond the particular subject of trauma, I feel. I just don't really know what to think or feel anymore. It's just one more thing that adds to this miasma of anxiety, sadness, pain, melancholia, fear, confusion and fatigue I'm currently mired in.
mslilith13 profile picture
I'm not sure what to think or believe anymore
Trauma Support / by mslilith13
Last post
 April 6th, 2020
...See more I'm going to try an keep this as brief as possible, but it's a long-ish story... I've a long history of mental illness (most of my life now) and ever since the death of a loved one 9 months ago, I've been doing very poorly. I'm on a waiting list for a diagnostic/assessment service in July, and besides everything's on lockdown with the pandemic. That's fine I understand that. But one of the things that's been increasingly bugging me recently is thinking back on my relationships (not that I've had many) - with boys/men principally, since I haven't had a close relationship/friendship with another girl/woman (other than my mother) since I was like... 10 years old? And the one relationship in particular that's causing me grief is the very first intimate one I had, when I was 14 years old, with my then 50 year old teacher. It lasted, on and off, in semi-secret, until I was just under 20. I though I'd moved on, but I get recurring nightmares that make me profoundly uncomfortable, and the guy today only inspires disgust in me (i.e. how could I ever have fallen in love with him, slept with him, etc...). That being said, I do not consider myself a victim of rape (even if legally, it sort of qualified as statutory rape, but not quite, in my country) or sexual abuse as such. So please, no need to try and convince me I'm a victim of rape, I'm not interested in a simple cookie-cutter narrative that I feel just doesn't fit me imposed upon me. I do, however, acknowledge the relationship had harmful aspects, and was at best unethical. I am open to the idea I've suffered emotional abuse, and that the actual trauma linked to that is only surfacing now, for gods-know what reason. The other weird thing, that is also confusing me, is that I was molested by my cousin when I was 8 years old, and I'd always thought, until very recently, that it really hadn't affected me much overall. I moreoever have good relationships with my cousin today, who regrets what he did to me (he was aged 13 at the time) deeply. So the problem isn't there. What bugs me is that also wonder if, in effect, that event didn't perhaps affect me more than I thought, if only on a more subconscious level. I never talked about any possibility of sexual/relationship trauma with the few shrinks I had, nor was it ever really investigated by my latest one (who knew me after the relationship with the teacher had more or less ended). But I do have minor issues with my sexuality (at least I think so), and besides that I have major issues with social interactions and relationships in general, but that extends beyond the particular subject of trauma, I feel. I just don't really know what to think or feel anymore. It's just one more thing that adds to this miasma of anxiety, sadness, pain, melancholia, fear, confusion and fatigue I'm currently mired in.
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