murphysllaw Member Profile

...See more the pain comes in waves- there are the few times where it's quite subtle, really, hardly noticeable. but it's there. most of the time, these moments occur when i'm with my friends. i laugh and joke with them and shower them all with sweets and reassurances. i'm always the "outsider" in my friend group- i'm typically not included in group conversations even though i'm right there with them, they'd much rather engage in a conversation with one of my other friends because i'm the most awkward to talk to. i literally can just get up and leave without a word while they're all talking and they wouldn't even notice my absence. despite my efforts in trying to keep up the mask i wear around them, i'm probed by The Question that we've all heard before: are you okay? they've seen glimpses of my vulnerability, which i quickly dismissed with one of the plagues of my life- "oh, it's just my anxiety"- which isn't a lie. it just isn't the full truth. they were totally convinced, smiling and telling me that they accept the anxiety-ridden me, the 'real' me. oh, if only they knew that my anxiety was only a piece of the picture. then there's the pain that just plagues me for the majority of my days. it's like a crowded city train full of strangers, all the seats are taken so you've got to stand, and you're just clinging to one of the metal bars for support. everyone is pressing around you with their smell, whether it be the overwhelming stench of perfume or someone who hasn't put on deodorant for the past 2 weeks, suffocating you, choking you. at first, it's unbearable and you learn to live with it after the past 20 minutes (the train takes 20 minutes to get to my stop i don't know about you guys), you learn to numb yourself from it. but there's those times when the train stumbles over something, causing for everyone standing to stumble and having someone accidentally flung against you. and then there's the pain. normally, this type of pain haunts my school hours. my mind is buzzing and the voices are chattering and loud and it's impossible to think (i have ADD so my concentration skills are bad as is)- then the teacher calls on you and you weren't listening because how could you've been, with an all out screamfest happening in your head? then you feel the embarrassment rise into your cheeks and your throat chokes up, skin goes clammy, hands tremble, and you can hear the erratic pounding of your heart. you manage to choke out a few unintelligible words, flipping frantically through your packet or textbook, glancing desperately at your peers to see which page they're at only to see all of their eyes trained on you. everyone's staring. the tears that you tried so hard to hold back prick at your eyes, and you can only think nonononono please no and you're at their mercy, begging for them to go away. you're struggling to find the right words, and your insides are about to pour right out of you and it's too late to stop it. you bury your head in your arms to hide the tears and you silently let the tears drip drip onto your papers. the chatter has quieted down into whispers as hear the teacher hesitate and call on another student, and the class progresses. you messed up you messed up you messed up you're a mess the voices hissed. and you don't deny what they say. i think a lot of us have had this type of pain before. if i'm wrong and you haven't experienced this, that's actually fantastic. this, in my personal opinion, is the one that leaves the most scars and is, in my mind, the worst type of emotional pain. this only happens when i'm alone in my room specifically, mostly when i'm lying in my bed and unable to go to sleep in the middle of the night. all the troubles and problems in my life just catapult themselves at me one at a time. i try finding solutions on how i can fix each presented issue but then they become more and more complicated and i can't keep up with the increasing speed of them coming, stacking up higher and higher for me to deal with. the only way i can explain this is like one of those pizza or food games you download for free on your phone (ex: good pizza great pizza [that's an actual game title i was confused too at first]), you know what i mean?. it's okay at first, and then they keep coming faster and faster and the orders become more challenging until the customer finally leaves off in a huff, which typically means you failed. take those types of games- then throw it out the window because that's nothing compared to what pain i'm talking about. it's inexplicable and sudden, such an intense, scathing blow that it knocks the wind out of you, causing for your body to curl up and be racked into breathy, choked sobs. there's too many problems to fix. you can't do it. you've failed, you're weak, insignificant, defective. the voices are now louder than ever, a crossfire of helplessness, hopelessness, hatred- just a tsunami of self-torment. disgusting. you are disgustingdisgustingdisgustingyou'reafailurefailurefailurefailure. you're too tired to fight back. you are disgustingdisgustingdisgustingshamefulshamefuldespicable it persists. you succumb to it. i am disgusting. the words are truly withering, piercing and stabbing at you. the voices urge you to carry on. i am disgustingdisgustingdisgustingdisgusting. at the voices' command, you continue to say it. i am alone. and you believe it. well, i can only say that for myself. this is when i'm at my worst. this is the me that i'll never let anyone see. i've accepted the fact that i'll always be alone. i've been alone among the company of my friends- an instance being when we all went to a Starbucks and i bought drinks for them all. when we'd all gotten our drink, they began talking amongst each other (as we know, i'm always discarded from group conversations). sitting there, shoulder to shoulder with some of the greatest people i could ever ask for, i've never felt more alone. and frankly, i deserve to be. i'm undeserving of anything close to happiness, to acceptance, and i hate myself into fooling others into thinking it too. so many times when i'd be alone, i'd just think how easy it would be to sit here and do nothing, to remain hidden in the dark and allow for the next moment to take me. all the torment would be over.

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