mxemmett Member Profile

...See more Almost a year ago I separated from my ex. For a lot of reasons, including emotional abuse, but recently (December) I sort of came to a realization that what I thought was bad sex was actually years of sexual coercion and assault. Basically my ex, while we were together, was very much under the impression that we had to fulfill a quota amount of sex in order to have a happy relationship (I will also mention for context that we are both trans, but were both closeted for the majority of our relationship, approx 7-8 years). So they would try to “schedule” sex while also telling me we should have sex if we hadn’t that week, etc. As well, they were very often asking for sex, and then would act extremely let down and sad when I said no, and would complain that I didn’t have sex enough with them. It got to the point of berating and guilting where I stopped saying no- I thought that I was being a bad partner because I wasn’t saying yes enough. Sex was also unpleasant and painful much of the time, and I thought it was normal to grit your teeth and bear it, because the anxiety of being guilted and made to feel bad for stopping was too high. My ex also took a long time to finish, so it would be excruciating long periods of time where I felt nothing, or it hurt, and I didn’t feel like I could say anything to make it stop. The worst part was that at some point to try and control this I brought up that I was experiencing enough pleasure and we incorporated a vibrator into sex for me, enough that I would even *** a lot of the time, even if I didn’t want to. All this to say is that pretty much exclusively when I am on the receiving end of anything during sex now, I usually start to dissociate pretty intensely. As well, even during sex where I’m not receiving, I will get flashes of feeling like I’m back under my ex enduring it. I also have an extremely hard time saying no when I am uncomfortable during sex, which is of course a big issue when engaging sexually with other people. I’ve also compartmentalized this to the extreme, and so when it escapes containment it’s very intense and upsetting. I have a lot of horrible images of myself being used in ways that I can hardly let myself think about it. I have an in person appointment with my therapist this week, the first appointment since realizing what exactly was going on with me, and I’m terrified to tell her. I keep trying to convince myself that it didn’t happen, that my ex didn’t mean to, that somehow I made it all up. It makes me feel very alone and scared, and also isolating to feel like I’m ready to be triggered at any moment during sex. I just want to feel safe with someone and not like my body is disposable. I guess I’m partly writing this as a test run for myself talking about this before I talk with my therapist. But also if anyone else has had similar experiences, especially with dissociating and having intense anxiety during sex, I would really like to know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

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