mysticbeauty Member Profile

...See more Sometimes I think I want to have an eating disorder but I know that it is not something I should want. I know people with it say that it's awful. I know how awful it is yet I don't because how could I ever truly know if I don't have one? Right? Because I look at food and think that I'm not good enough. That I don't deserve it. And then something in me snaps and yforce myself to eat because I say I don't deserve to mess with something like this. And I have thoughts of skipping lunch everyday But I eat because if I don't my friends will think that something's up. And I don't want anyone to know of this thinking because I don't want people to see me differently. But I think like this, like I'm on the verge of something but maybe it is only nothing because I refuse to do pills or throw up because I know the moment I do I might not be able to stop. I eat normally but I often think that I eat to much especially when I'm around other people who eat less and I get a little self conscious because I begin to think that I'm fat and eating to much. I don't use a scale but I often wished I had a flat stomach (I a bit of extra weight though it's "healthy") And I wonder if this is a different type of an eating disorder if I'm just crazy because you never hear of borderline eating disorders. If you don't have it all the way than may you font have anything at all. Right? Hah Maybe I want an eating disorder because I want an excuse for someone to love me or show that they care. What even is this??

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