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nadiavalentina
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceMarch 19, 2015
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Being constantly ill...
Disability Support / by nadiavalentina
Last post
 April 17th, 2015
...See more Hey, this is going to be the story of how i became ill, and how that effected a lot more than just my health. Right i'll start at the beginning. So i had a pretty good childhood, up until i got to year 4 (9yearsold) i started gettign bad pains in my back, like everyday, all the time. So my mum put it down to my bad posture, she got me a new mattress and still no improvement. Then she started taking me to the doctors everytime i started crying about the pain. And everytime i had to do a urine test (i swear i have done hundreds of those) nothing came up. The pains started moving around to my stomach, it felt like i was being stabbed again and again. i had lost so much weight. i was 4 stone at 11years old. So i was taken to a specialist you refered me to a hospital for an emergancy scan (this was after a year of fricking urine tests) they found that i had an inflamed bowel so i got sent to alder hey childrens hospital who might know what the problem was. I had to wait months for my appointment, and when the day came i was so excited to finally find out what had been causing me so much trouble  i had been put to sleep and had cameras looking inside to see what the problem was and when i woke up i saw my mum crying in the corner of my room, she didn t understand what i had and neither did i. i got told i had crohns disease and that i had a tube in my nose to give me my food. i couldnt eat anythin gother than ice lollys and boiled sweets for 8 weeks, the hospital was a lonely place to be and as i didnt live in liverpool my parents had to leave me at night. I would cry myslef to sleep eveynight. This was a lot to take in at a young age, i hated my body for being the way it was, i wished i had just been normal. I hated that i had to put on a lot of weight fast, i hated the looks in the street because people thought i was dying or something. Anyway i got through it, i got better, finished primary school and went onto secondary school.  i was great for 6 months and then i started to get the symptoms again stomach aches, weight loss, frequent unpleasant trips to the toilet. i saw it coming back when i looked in the mirror and told my mum that i may be ill again, i saw the scared look in her face. No mother wants their child to go through that again. We headed back up to alder hey where i seen my consultent, he examined me and it turned out i had a flare up of my crohns. I burst into tears i had to go back onto modulen feeds agian and stay in hospital until i put my weight back on and got better. This was in year seven, i recovered quicker this time and was happy that i had got better, i had increased the dosage of medicene and everything seem fine. But it wasnt.  Since then i had got ill every couple of months sometines weeks, i had been on modulen so many times, i had medicene infusions into my vein (didnt work)i had steroids with the most horrible side effects didnt work), i missed so much school.i rarley seen my freinds, though they didnt care to much that i was ill, it sisnt seem like that big of a deal to them.i felt so lonely and i hated myself, i spent my 14th birthday in a hospital bed tied down by my hospital drip. then finally in 2013 november i was on my ward just watching tv and my doctor came up to me and said he needed an important talk with me. He also brought a speacialist nurse with him. He said that we werent getting anywhere with the medicenes and that the time had come to look at a different option, surgery. In my mind i was like "no way" i knew hwta the surgery for crohns was, it is either a part of your bowel out of the entire thing and you are left with a bg on the outisde of your abdomain. He said it was the only option and that if he didnt do something soon it could be fatal. i agreed to it after a lot of thinking and had my op date set. i was so scared during this tim eall i did was stare at my stomach in the mirror imaging if some ugly bag was there and how it would effect my life. When the date came i was so scared yet excited that this could mean i could be 100% better.i waved at my crying parents as i entered the surgery room and in that moment i was so terrified. Why had i choosen to do this, the doctor said that even though i didnt want an ostomy bag if i need it he would have to. When i woke up i felt the most excruciating pain i had ever flet in my life, i felt searing pain all over my stomach i knew what they had done it. My head was so foggy i can only remember bits and pieces now. But i just remember knowing that my dad was there and i drifted back to sleep. This was the hardest thing i ever had to do, sitting up i could feel my stiches pulling, i took a while to heal properly and when i managed to look in the mirror for the fist time i just broke down in tears. No one will ever love you with that thing kept playing in my mind. i tried to push it to the back of my mind but couldnt. How could i? i had to seem the damn thing everyday, i was embarassed,  when i made it home, i got a lot of love from my family but none from my "friends" i just ignored the fact that my friends didnt ask how i was. And this is where the emotinal side begins... My "freinds" have never really given a sh*t about me, and i should really be used to it by now, but i needed them through all my hard times and they were not there. Recently when i have been going to school i am an invisable person, i never speak at anytime durng the day. Maybe one sentence if im lucky and that would be to a teacher. I still sit wioth them at lunch but obviously im not there so all backs face me. i am socially awkward not in the cute way in the movies i literally dont know what to say due to lack of interaction. I find myself at home every night, just watching supernatural, the vampire diaries or doctor who. Basically a loser whos only happiness is found in tv actors who dont know that i exist. Because most of my life i have been underweight, i cant stand to lock at my body anymore, that cant get added to the long list of insecurities. Its like i have a gollum in my head saying, that im so fat, im so ugly, you have a horrible scar... i hate everything about myself. The only thing i can complemnt myslef on is that i am a good caring friend, but i dont have anyone to be close with. I have no one. Most of my days i think ho easy it ould be if the world ended tomorrow, id actually be happy. I have stress about my social life, school, home, future. If you have read all this, i apogogise that it is so long (although i could have added sooo much more :) thanks for reading my story xx   
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