neonSkies9687 Member Profile

...See more "I don't know if this is the right place to express my feelings, but I'm very confused and unable to distinguish between what's right and wrong. I want to tell you what happened to me. I had a relationship with a perfect girl. We loved each other, but due to past events between us and my anxiety disorder, I always feared she might leave me. Especially as it was a long-distance relationship and it was nearly impossible for me to visit her due to our country's difficult economic situation, along with my financial struggles. However, she was truly an amazing girl. At some point, she confessed that she was feeling bored in the relationship and wanted to take a break. Due to my fear of abandonment, I didn't know how to act initially. Later on, I followed the advice of my therapist and stopped initiating conversations with her. A day after this silence, she started trying to initiate conversations herself. Although she told me there might be a chance of her leaving due to her boredom, she later stated that wasn't what she meant; she just needed a break. She often changed her mind and withdrew her statements, but what mattered was that I changed our communication pattern to make the relationship work. I reduced my attention and increased the humor between us, but I wasn't comfortable doing so. Until one day, I decided to show her my submissive and masochistic side. She said she was masochistic and sadistic, and I was masochistic and sadistic too, but she had never seen that side of me. However, on that day, I showed her that side, and she didn't like it. She said it didn't suit me. The biggest shock was when she later told me that she wasn't masochistic. These words were a big shock to me. However, I was afraid of one thing: her leaving me because of my masochism. Yet, at the same time, I convinced myself that I didn't want her. That same night, an issue arose, and she said, 'Since you bother me, what do you think of us distancing ourselves?' It was shocking to me, but I was ready for it; I had already protected myself. So, I spoke to her the next day and told her if this was in her best interest, I had no problem with it. I read her messages and waited an hour before responding. She then said she meant renewing the relationship pattern. I told her I'll remain as I am, and she needs to decide what she wants. She said if I wanted, we could separate immediately. I didn't know how to process these words; they were manipulative words that didn't define anything. However, I decided to take them as if she was leaving me. I got very angry and said things that hurt her deeply. I mentioned her past infidelities (it's essential to note that these infidelities were in the early stage of the relationship, but later on, she changed for the better because of me) and said I couldn't bear her depression, fluctuations, and that she didn't want to bear my anxiety and stress. I was extremely angry, blocked her, then messaged her again, saying I had protected myself already, so she was free. However, after a few days, I noticed through her status that she hinted she suffered trauma because of me. So, I messaged her and apologized, telling her I was ready to do anything not to worsen her condition. Yet, she blocked me again. I love her; I never wanted to hurt her. I'm telling you the problem is with me, not her. Events kept occurring; she stated three times almost that it was a misunderstanding, but I erased the messages again. I tried apologizing to her many times. All I want is not to have hurt her and caused her trauma. I hope she's moved past what I did. But what I want to understand is how to reduce this feeling of regret."

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