neonSummer8296 Member Profile

Anyone have these issues in a relationship? Advice please

Relationship Stress / by neonSummer8296

June 7th, 2024

...See more Husband and I have been married two years and have had several issues throughout the marriage. Some of the more major ones we are working through already but others I’m just at a loss for: * when I express that something is an issue for me, it’s almost always dismissed, or he’ll promise to do better next time but repeats the same thing over and over. Many times, he doesn’t even seem to really believe it’s an issue until someone else tells him it’s not okay, usually someone from his family or a friend. * his reaction after he does something that hurts or upsets me (like yelling at me because I asked him a question while he was playing a game) is to try to justify his actions, claim that’s just how he is and I have to deal with it (or some other sarcastic response), or an insincere or sarcastic apology. His attitude is one of exasperation that im feeling hurt or upset by his actions and he’s basically trying to find the quickest way to move on from it but doing nothing to prevent it from happening it again. The things he does that hurt/upset me shouldn’t happen but I understand that he’s human and makes mistakes, my real issue is how he addresses it when I tell him how it made me feel or ask him why he did it. * Sex. I have a lot of pain when we have sex and the entire thing is a stressful experience and takes a lot of willpower for me. There have been times it has hurt so badly that I started crying halfway through it. Needless to say, my sex drive is not great. I was a virgin before my husband so I really have no comparison but I have seen other *** and my husband is way thicker in comparison. I’ve had a pap smear where the doctor inserted something (to insert the swab into to get a clean sample) about the same girth as an average *** and it felt strange but didn’t hurt. It also didn’t help that he would coerce me into having sex the entire first year of our marriage, saying we should be having sex at least 3-4 times a week and would pick a fight if I turned him down that would last the entire night. I would then have to show up to work the next day at 8 am while he logged on from home (WFH) and slept until 1 pm. This stopped after he started therapy and maybe realized how much of an impact it was having on me and that it was just pushing me further from him but it definitely impacted my trust in him. * there is pressure from his parents on us to have kids. The thing is, I don’t trust him enough right now to want to bring kids into the equation. His reactions during some of our fights have showed that I can’t rely on him to have my back in some situations. I also have various health conditions that will make a pregnancy dangerous and will impact me negatively long-term, and we’re currently living in a place that, should anything go wrong, makes any kind of medical intervention impossible unless I’m at death’s door. Considering those factors, I definitely don’t want kids right now, but am not completely against it either in the near future. He’s also said he isn’t ready for kids yet but that he would be in a year. Neither of us is fond of kids either, definitely not him. He keeps talking about our future kids and bringing them up in different conversations, where there is no relation to kids whatsoever. I bawled my eyes out to him last week while expressing that i feel very scared and pressured every time he brings it up. He apologized sincerely and told me that he didn’t mean anything by it and didn’t think that much, and that he’s not going to risk losing me just to have a kid, that I’m more important to him than any kid ever will be and that he will stop mentioning it so much. He did stop for a couple days but the last 2-3 days, he has started mentioning it again. When I brought it up after getting into bed, he got mad and accused me of picking a fight right when he’s tired and just wants to sleep, even though I just asked him why he’s bringing it up again when he said he understands how I feel and wouldn’t anymore. * a continuation from the last point but it seems like I can’t bring up anything with him without it being seen as me picking a fight. It doesn’t matter if I pick a time when he’s not busy and there’s nothing going on, or how conversational my tone is, or that I say I just want to talk about it because it’s something that’s an issue for me. The irony is that he’ll claim I’m picking a fight and be the person who actually picks the fight by starting to yell at me and get angry with me for bringing it up or not bringing it up right when it happened. I’ve tried that too but that also ends up in a fight because then he’ll try to dismiss it or say that I just have to pick a fight about everything.

Husband being an a-hole for no reason

Relationship Stress / by neonSummer8296

January 18th, 2024

...See more I’ve been married for close to 2 years and despite this post’s title, my husband can be very sweet and caring when he wants to be, but there are times when he’s an a-hole for absolutely no reason. It took me some time to catch on because I was too involved in my own anger and frustration in the past, trying ti figure out what I did during those times for him to act that way. I’ve started realizing there really isn’t anything I’ve done to trigger it/him, by his own admission in the past, meaning there’s nothing I can do on my end to prevent it. He was making ‘dinner’ by the time I got home from work and he asked me to just sit and relax for a bit while he finishes up. I did end up having to make additional stuff because it was literally boiled veggies with bland chicken and he said he doesn’t want to eat anything because his stomach is upset. I just made some additional stuff and some cold food to soothe his stomach which he had no problems eating, and getting seconds. I had just gottten off the phone with my parents (who were at my uncles funeral)) and his parents as well, and was sitting on the bed on my knees for literally 2 mins (might be tmi but I’m on my period and didn’t want to accidentally stain the sheets), and he started telling me off for sitting on my knees and how it’s compressing the mattress and will make it lumpy, etc. I told him I don’t want to stain it accidentally and he just continued with his tirade about ruining the mattress and that it won’t even last for a year that way, and how I always do it. I asked him when I do it and he gave me an example from yesterday when I was on my hands and knees on the mattress for 30 seconds while he was putting a sheet wher I had been laying on it, and that’s the only example he could come up with. Unsurprising as I’m only ever in bed for the 6-7 hours that i sleep, I’m not even home most of they day, he is (works remotely). Anyway it’s things like this, completely unprovoked and that lead to utterly pointless arguments with no resolution over and over again. We spend at least one day every weekend just fighting, many times just because he wants to be d*ck for no reason. I’m trying to not get worked up over things because I have blood sugar and blood pressure issues and fights only drive my blood pressure up. It would be fine even if there’s a purpose for them or we learn to make sure the same thing doesn’t repeat but there’s no resolution to this, the most I get is him admitting that he was being a d*ck but he doesn’t know why, and then he goes down the self-pitying rabbit hole of “maybe I’m just a bad person” and I have to spend the next hour convincing him he isn’t and it’s something he needs to work on. I don’t really know what to do about it other than either detach myself or give him *** for it, but I do sometimes wonder if he’s a narcissist based on some of the things I’ve seen from him. Advice would be nice.

Husband constantly puts the dog above me, what do I do?

Relationship Stress / by neonSummer8296

October 13th, 2023

...See more I’ve struggled with this issue since hubby and I got married 2 year ago. I feel like every time my needs and the dog’s needs (most times perceived needs) clash, my husband always puts the dog’s needs above mine. Earlier in the marriage he used to do it without even thinking about mine, now he thinks about mine and still does it. The most recent example: I got home kind of late today from work. I work in person all 5 days of the week, leave around 7:30 am and get back around 6-6:30 pm so it’s a long day and am usually starving by the time I’m home. He made most of dinner today, so I just had to finish up when I got back today. I told him I’m starving and can we please eat, and that I’ll freshen up after. He said okay and I finished making dinner, only to find him on the phone with a friend. I figured I’ll give him a few mins to finish talking so I told him everything’s done and we’ll eat when he’s done.The few mins turned into over an hour of waiting (they also weren’t talking about anything important or time sensitive, just catching up). My insides were practically gnawing at me and I felt bad that he didn’t even care that I was starving and had told him so as soon as I got home. I still tried to be understanding about it and didn’t say anything to him when he finally got off the phone. Right as we sat down to eat, the dog kept sniffing at it and whining. Whining usually means she wants food or she needs to go out for her business. It’s pretty typical of her to whine at us while we’re eating to tell us she wants our food, butt generally he has already taken her out in the evening before I get home to do her business. He gobbled up his food in 15 mins, pretty typical for him. As soon as he was done, he says “let’s take her out when you’re done”. I said that’s fine. 5 mins later he asks if I’m done yet, while there is very clearly food on my plate. I told him I’m not done yet. 10 mins later, I’ve cleared my plate and am going for seconds when he says “can we go out first on a walk so she can do her business and you can come back and continue eating”. I tried telling him she’s not whining because she needs to go, it’s because she wants food. I even fed her right then, and she gobbled it up in less than a minute, then went back to staring at my plate. He’s like “no she’s still whining she needs to go, let’s just go quickly and you can come back and eat”. I went with it, and ofc the dog didn’t need to go, which she showed us by wandering around with us behind her for 10 mins before picking a spot to pee (if she really needs to go, shes not shy about letting us know and will do it as soon as she sees a patch of grass). Ofc he’s feeling pretty sheepish about it now, and so tried to drag both of us home again, to which I said that were out anyway now so might as well enjoy the walk. We walked 5 more mins and he says okay let’s go home now, you were eating right? I got so mad I just walked off and did the entire round with him following behind me. Things like this have happened multiple times. Many times he has had dinner by himself while promising me that we’ll go pick up food for me right after and then delaying it until 11 pm and even then being more concerned that the dog hasn’t eaten yet (not even hasn’t been fed yet, but that she hasn’t eaten the food that was given to her yet). I spent the MONTHS of our marriage getting only 3 hours of sleep on average per night because he insisted that the dog has to sleep with us in the bed cause she would get scared sleeping alone and the dog would keep pouncing on my head every night. It only changed after multiple vey bad fights and me finally saying that he and the dog can sleep together and I’ll go sleep somewhere else. The dog had no issues sleeping by herself in her own bed. We have gone on multiple outings that I was looking forward to very much and come back halfway through because he couldn’t stop worrying about the dog being home alone for a few hours, generally this was also accompanied with him being irritable the entire time that we were out. It’s the same even if we leave the dog with someone else. For some context, he got the dog 2-3 months before we started dating and we didn’t date more than a few months before getting married. The most I ever had as a pet while growing up was a goldfish and it didn’t live long, so I wasn’t really used to pets or thrilled about having one, bu understood the dog was nonnegotiable. I just didn’t account for him being such a nightmare about it, and I think I was more understanding about it when we were dating because she was a puppy then. The funny thing is, the dog likes me more than him I think, she won’t even eat her food until I get home in the evening, even though hubby is home with her all day. We’re definitely more attuned to each other than she is with my husband. Anyway, please help, I appreciate any and all advice. I thought things will change with time but I don’t really see it happening, just that he’s more aware that something is going to upset me but doesn’t really do anything about it. And worse than that, my judgment has been proven to be right almost every single time in the past relating to the dog and her needs but he still doesn’t listen the next time the situation arises.

Topic of Kids, Cultural expectations, diabetes and other health issues

Relationship Stress / by neonSummer8296

August 24th, 2023

...See more My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years, dated for a few months prior to that (not typical in the cultural background we come from). On our date last night, he brought up the topic of kids and that his mom was hinting at us having one when he spoke to her that morning. He then clarified that he doesn’t want one right away but maybe by 2025 we should have one. Honestly, I’ve had multiple panic attacks between last night and now so I know this is super long and it’s okay if you don’t read through it all, but I would REALLY REALLY appreciate any advice you may have. This isn’t the first time we’ve spoken about kids; when we got married we discussed that we don’t want kids at least in the first 3 years. After last night’s brief talk, I noticed the numerous other times over the past few weeks that he directly or indirectly talked about our future kids in random conversations, but it was never discussed openly. That makes me think it’s been on his mind for a while but he hasn’t known how to bring it up. Here are my issues with it: * I have a diabetes (t2) which my husband knows about. I’ve had it for many years and it hasn’t always been very well controlled. As far as I know, it’s because of underlying PCOS and insulin resistance caused by it. Since I’ve had it for years now, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’ve also developed high blood pressure and some level of kidney damage but I haven’t gotten those checked out in the last 2 years. I have recently started a program to try to reverse the diabetes and at least keep any associated complications from getting worse. * Birth defects, miscarriages, preeclampsia, and a whole bunch of other risks are increased when the pregnant person has preexisting diabetes/hypertension/etc. Upon my husbands insistence, I recently switched to a new job and as a result, have moved to a state that has a near total ban on abortions. I don’t mean abortions for people who just don’t want a baby, I mean even life-saving medical procedures in the event of a miscarriage or something else going wrong with the pregnancy. The only exception is if I’m literally standing in death’s doorway, by which point there will be permanent damage done to my health IF I even survive. Also, there are a whole host of women who had something like this happen to them who are speaking out about it. And they didn’t even have other conditions that made theirs a high risk pregnancy. * My husband claims that he just wants me to be healthy and there with him, and if it’s a choice between me and a baby, there would be no question that I’m more important to have with him. BUT despite knowing about my condition, he hasn’t bothered trying to learn about what it is, how it works, the complications and risks that come with it, even the ones that come with being pregnant and having diabetes. The way he discussed the topic with me last night was also so casual that he could’ve been discussing what he wants for lunch the next day. I have told him at least 3 times in the past that pregnancy with diabetes comes with a lot of major complications, both for the fetus and the pregnant person and it’s something that needs to be extensively reviewed with a doctor before even trying, and also a description of some of the very likely common risks. Still hasn’t bothered learning more about it. * This is a bit of a continuation from the last point but still a different concern. Hubby is about 6 years older than me so a lot of his friends and their wives got married and started having kids fairly soon after, and I know a lot of his friends advise him to do the same. His parents are also directly or indirectly pushing for it, though I can’t fault them since they don’t know about my condition and it’s a cultural expectation. I’m not sure to what extent they would care but I know they would definitely tell us to seek out a doctor's advice before trying. My concern is that hubby is just parroting the things others are saying to him rather than think for himself what’s best for both of us. Because besides parroting his friends and parents, he has maintained that he hates kids and can’t stand them. When we first discussed kids, I floated the idea of adoption and he shot the idea down as soon as I said it, because he’d rather not have kids at all than adopt. * Probably the least important concern but I’m not at all traditional and have been very career-focused. The job I just started at is also at a top tier company in my field, and there’s nowhere farther up for me to go outside of this company, so having to leave for any reason would be devastating career-wise. If he was in my position, I don’t think he would be okay to drop a great job like this one and go somewhere else for a non-career related reason. * I was okay with being single for life until my husband came along, and I married him because I saw the same streak in him, to be unconventional and constantly striving to climb and be successful, doing something extra or working out to be healthy and look good. In fact, my current fitness program is motivated by the same mindset, to lose weight, get healthier and fit so I can sustain going on adventures and leveling up career-wise. I thought having him in my life would better it than if I were single. Now I’m starting to feel like all those things have disappeared and he’s turning into a typical south Asian traditional man, which is exactly why I had been set on staying single for life. * Ive started to feel pretty demotivated, because the last 4-5 years have been really stressful for one reason or another and I’ve constantly felt rushed because every time I start getting into a rhythm at some place, there’s either some reason to move or be forced out, or it’s a stressful place to be. Happened in college, then with my first job, second job, everything related to the wedding, the entire first year of marriage. After moving here, I was starting to feel like this would be the place I can finally settle into and focus on myself for once. Now this added stressor is making me question everything all over again. * Last but not least, hubby has struggled financially despite being out of school and working for 5+ years. He cleared off a substantial debt a year into our marriage but hasn’t been able to save part of his income despite his income going up. I have money that I’ve been saving up to pay off my student loans so it’s not money I let anyone touch, including myself. Basically, our savings are negligible, not enough to pay for even a normal pregnancy, let alone a complicated one.

Is this more than anxiety?

Anxiety Support / by neonSummer8296

August 17th, 2023

...See more My husband has been complaining about not being able to focus for very long, to the point that even a bit of a distraction (like the dog barking) is preventing him from focusing enough to do well on a 2 hour exam. He has other issues that I’ve seen a considerable improvement in since we started dating (2 years ago), and even the focus issue may partially be from the aggressor coming back into the picture, but his sister seems to think something is very wrong with him and he has much bigger issues than anxiety. I personally think, and this is from experience, that the more you believe something is wrong with you and that’s just what you have to deal with, the more likely it is to manifest. The more you tell yourself “I have anxiety and this is just how things are with me” the more likely you are to blame everything that goes wrong on ‘just being that way’. And someone else repeatedly saying that to you also has a similar effect when you start believing it. Btw, hubby also got evaluated by a therapist who stipulated he might have anxiety and adhd but nothing majorly wrong otherwise. What do y’all think? Is it just anxiety and possibly some adhd or is something much worse going on? Some context: My husband has anxiety that partially originated from his dad’s controlling behavior, temper tantrums, and abusing his wife (my husbands mom). I think it was made significantly worse by a traumatic event that took place where some goons showed up at their place and broke all the furniture, beat up his parents, and tried to stab his dad. That happened when he was around 14-15 (he’s in his early 30s now). As a result, he has anxiety, issues with anger (goes from 0 to 100 before you even know what happened), and major issues with focus. I’ve seen a considerable improvement with the anger issues at least, and he would tell me his focus and anxiety is also much better now but he’s been a little off his game lately since the guy that ordered the hit on his parents all those years ago has come back into his parents life, mainly to apologize and eventually ask for money.

Is my coworker romantically interested in me?

Relationship Stress / by neonSummer8296

August 5th, 2023

...See more I’ve been married for over a year now, mostly happily though hubby and I do have our moments. I recently started a new job and moved to a new area far from family and friends. Hubby works remotely and isn’t too interested in making new friends so that burden falls on me. I met a guy at work a few weeks ago who started with me and has a similar cultural background. We hit it off pretty well and since he’s married and has a dog as well, I thought he could be a good family friend. He told me his wife is still at their old place, pretty far away, trying to get a transfer to this location and they have a 4 month old. We’ve only met twice since he doesn’t regularly work at this location but since the work chat system is common, he messages me pretty often on there to talk. Over the last few weeks, the conversations have gotten much more personal, with him asking to meet, if I’ll ever be transferred to his location and all the fun we could have, etc. Honestly, I’m not interested in sticking around on site any longer than I need to for work. He would occasionally mention his wife and the dog at first but lately he’s stopped mentioning either of them, except to insinuate to me that his wife doesn’t care about him. I suggested a while ago that when his family moves here, we should plan a play date for the dogs while the rest of us hang out. Now he’s telling me he doesn’t know when they’ll move here and it might be a long time, and he doesn’t get to see me often enough, basically indirectly saying we should meet up sooner outside of work. I commented on something he was talking about and he said those are things one should talk about after getting drunk. He also keeps calling me a dear friend and tells me he enjoys talking to me. Maybe I’m overly sensitive but some of things he said definitely feel inappropriate coming from a coworker, especially one I haven’t known for very long. I know having a baby sometimes creates distance between spouses, and physical distance also doesn’t help. I also told him about another guy who’s from the same place as him in his native country and he completely shut me down saying he’s not interested in meeting that guy, even though that’s exactly what he was so interested in me for, and I’m not even from there, just have a similar cultural background! I think he could be a lively friend if that’s all there is to it but I’m not interested in anything more. I’m also hesitant to tell my husband about all this, he’s not the most even tempered person and I don’t want the situation to get out of hand since it involves someone from my workplace. Opinions pls! Both on what you think this guy is trying to do and also what I should do about it. Thank you!

Is it a good idea to host your husband’s female friend when you’re not around?

Relationship Stress / by neonSummer8296

June 24th, 2023

...See more For some context, husband and I have been married just over a year and recently moved to a new area, very far from my family (who lived about an hour from us at our last place), for my new job. I work in person 8-5 everyday and since I just joined, I don’t have any vacation time yet. He works from home because his job allows it. We’re also still in the process of setting up our new home. Our marriage was troubled at the beginning but we have been in a good place the last few months. Earlier today, hubby texted me at work saying that his friend might be visiting us next Wednesday, he didn’t specify who or how he knows her, just that it’s a her. By itself, not odd but he has a habit of over sharing whether the other person likes it or not so by his standards, weird. I told him that we should probably buy a mattress for the guest bedroom and asked if she’s only staying for that one day. He then comes back saying that he spoke to her and found out her parents and brother passed away last year, and she just went through a breakup, and he didn’t know what to say so he invited her to stay with us instead. He then answers my question saying that she’s likely staying for the entire long weekend (Independence Day falls on the Tuesday after the weekend, so he has Monday and Tuesday off, I work on Monday and won’t be home for a majority of the day). I was teasing him just last night that even though he has a long weekend, we won’t be able to go anywhere since I have work on Monday. Anyway, point is, essentially he’s telling me he invited his female friend to stay with us for a week without bothering to ask me or even letting me know before extending the invitation. I completely understand that I sound like a jealous b**** right now but here are my concerns: * I already see him being a bit secretive about who this person is, how he knows her, etc, which is very unlike him. * he just extended an invitation to this person to come and stay with us for a week, over a weekend that we were both hoping would be relaxing, without so much as even asking me if it was okay. * over the last few weeks, he has repeatedly complained that he misses me when I’m at work and feels like we don’t spend quality time together, but when I ask what he wants to do instead of watching tv in the evenings, he doesn’t know. I’ve tried to balance it out with some surprise outings and things are good on those days, but it’s not enough and there’s little to no effort from him to change it. * our s*x life sucks. We’ve had ups and downs with it and there have been temporary reasons for it (I.e. periods, having to work late, something hurting, etc) but he did mention a few days ago that he feels s*xually frustrated. Now his newly single and likely very emotionally vulnerable female friend is coming over for a week and they will be alone for a majority of that time since I’ll be at work. It’s not that I don’t trust him but i know he has a hard time saying no to someone who’s close to him or is in a bad state. I also don’t know the friend, and people who are in a vulnerable state tend to look for comfort however they can get it. feel free to tell me if you think my concerns are absolute BS or if you have any other advice/lessons from your own life to share. Also, please don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% down to help his friend in whatever way I can, I just can’t help but think that I’m inviting trouble into my life and marriage by hosting her.

Husband keeps breaking stuff unintentionally. What does your spouse do that drives you up the wall?

Relationship Stress / by neonSummer8296

March 26th, 2023

...See more Heads up, I am partially looking for advice and partially starting a thread for people to vent about the things their husband/wife does that drives them crazy. When you get married to someone, it’s almost a guarantee that your spouse will have some habits that annoy you to no end or make you angry. Mine, for example, keeps breaking things out of carelessness. He’ll break the blender by not making sure it’s fixed into the slot properly before turning it on or by shaking it while it’s running. He’ll break vases while moving a table they’re sitting on without taking them off first. He’ll spill something on a rug despite me telling him that he’s put something in a very precarious position and to be careful. Some are genuine accidents that couldn’t have been prevented or foreseen but a lot of them are things that I’ve repeatedly told him not to do and he still continues to do them. The appliances that I’ve managed to keep in perfect condition for 5 years will almost always break in his hand. He keeps saying that it’s because I buy cheap stuff but he’s broken more expensive stuff that we bought on his insistence (at the end of the day, the quality doesn’t matter if you’re not using it right) as well. His expensive car on the other hand, he will swerve out of the way to not drive over a pothole, get it regularly washed and waxed, etc. I feel like he doesn’t have respect for anything that he views as cheap. I understand that a $50K car doesn’t exactly compare to a $50 blender but he doesn’t really have money to throw away on replacing everyday items repeatedly because he keeps breaking them. He does the same with food. I have an issue with food being wasted so I’ll only ever get as much as we need. He on the other hand will throw out food that’s not cooked fresh. By that, I mean that he won’t eat something cooked from the day before even if it’s perfectly good to eat. im at a loss for what to do because I’ve spoken to him about it multiple times and he says he’ll be more careful but we ultimately end up in the same place. Please feel free to share advice and things about your partners that bother you.

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