newfiestar Member Profile

...See more Hi!!! I don't even know where to begin.... theres so much I could say but finding the right words is going to be hard. I am the middle child and come from a loving home. I grew up in a very small community where if you didn't get along with the few kids that were around you didn't have any friends. I learned to adapt and do as others wanted. I was always afraid of disappointing people so I pushed my own feelings and wants aside to please everyone. I continued this cycle through my teen years, and young adult life. I am reaching the age of 30 now and still find myself trying to please everyone around me and keeping everything bottled up inside because I'm afraid of what people would say. I'm really great at putting on a smile when I go in public and being the fun free spirited person that everyone thinks I am and who I want to be. But inside I'm hurting.... I'm hurting so bad that I don't know what to do anymore. No matter how hard I try I always feels like a failure that I'm not living up to everyone's expectations of me. My older sister is an educated woman married with two beautiful children. My younger brother is educated and got a good job, making money and can support him and his girlfriend. and then there is me.... yes I'm educated (recently graduated) but I've always been the single one. I try to put on a act and say oh I don't want kids I have nieces that will look after me when I'm old and gray. But that is not the case. I would love to have a loving husband who loves me for me not the pretend person that most see and to have a house full of kids who calls me mommy and loves me unconditional. My friends and I joke around that I'm the female version of good-luck-chuck (the movie) cause as soon as I starts talking/dating a guy sure enough he finds the love of his life (who's not me). I'm not a huge person but I have a lot of body image issues. I have large burst and they are always the topic of conversation if I go out anywhere. I laugh and joke with them but inside it's tearing me apart cause that is all anyone sees when they look at me... What about my hazel eyes or my long legs? People don't see that I'm a loving person and got a lot to offer my future husband, I'm loyal and respectful and I'm always there for my friends. I'm tired of feeling like I'm second best or not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not skinny enough, not wife material or mother material. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a burden to my family, that they take pity on me cause I'm single. Sometime I feel like I just want to curl up on my couch and stay there forever. Not talk to anyone or see anyone, just stay in my bubble. But I know I can't! Cause it's when I'm alone with my thoughts that I start to think... am I a failure? am I ugly? am I not a nice person? am I too clingy? did I make a mistake texting that guy back/starting the conversation? was I mean to the lady at the grocery store cause I didn't say have a good night back to her? did I make everyone seem welcomed at work today? Did I say thank you to the man that held the door open for me today? I know some of these things feels foolish to some but to me I dwell on these things to the point I start to feel guilty and bad about everything, that I forget to think about all the positive things in life.... I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, a loving family, and a wide range of friends. But I just need a little bit of help getting through the rough times in life when I'm feeling down and dont know who or where to turn to. Thanks for sticking with it and reading it all I know it's long and probably all over the place but that just shows that my mind is always all over the place!

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