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nickyaqua
2 1,486 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts41 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2025 Member sinceJuly 4, 2021
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I’m feeling unhappy :(
Depression Support / by nickyaqua
Last post
 July 13th, 2025
...See more Every aspect of my life has, in a way, been controlled by my mom—even financially. I can’t really say that my achievements are fully mine because they’ve always been shared with her. She paid for my bachelor’s degree. And yes, I chose that degree because I liked it, but I can’t deny that my mom, in a way, “guided” me into that decision because it was the most convenient one and I wouldn’t lose too many credits. The apartment doesn’t feel entirely mine either. I understand that she didn’t have financial help growing up—her dad didn’t contribute much economically. She focused on getting a good job to give her children the life she never had. But nothing I have truly feels like it’s completely mine. Only now am I slowly starting to feel that some things do belong to me. My job, for example, because it’s something I found and applied for on my own. My friendships are truly mine. She’s tried to control that part too and make me believe that everyone is out to hurt me. But I never listened—I followed my own path. My dream, my passion, has always been computers, programming. Why? Because I love it. It genuinely interests me. And why didn’t I pursue it before? First, because I didn’t know enough about it back then, and second, because so many of my decisions were influenced by others. When I started studying psychology, my mom told me it wasn’t for me, that she didn’t see me as a psychologist. She criticized me so much that I believed her, and I changed majors. That’s when I went into criminal justice. And the same thing happened when I tried forensic psychology—she said, “I knew that wasn’t for you.” But I truly love cybersecurity, and that’s why I’m going to study it next year. You know why I love doing DoorDash? Because it’s something I achieved and I’m good at it. And deep in my heart, I’ve always wanted to be a gaming streamer. I tried making videos on YouTube years ago—I had a channel. But I stopped because, again, the comments and mockery from my family made me believe I wasn’t capable. I had just graduated high school, so I didn’t have the maturity to ignore it. But I’ve always wanted to set up a room to stream my games. I’ve always been passionate about having my own small business—pins, stickers, lanyards, all of that. Those dreams are still in my mind.
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