...See more
I'm typing this because I truly have no one to talk to. The two people that do know I have aspd are the type of people you put your mask on for so things don't get too uncomfortable for them. You tell them you have aspd and you feel like you have to tell them because it's a burden being alone so you do, but you water it down and now you regret even saying anything. NO ONE CARES, and for the most part its tolerable. Then there's days like this. I don't really care how anyone perceives me because I don't imagine anyone will even reply to this but, think of me as your extremely funny, charismatic, knows how to make you get that good gut laugh in, provides you with a good time with little care about myself, type friend. I know why I'm like this obviously we all know it starts with our childhood. I lived with my mother and grandparents as a child and they'd argue, constantly. Grandfather was an alcoholic and he'd be drunk 90% of the time, and my mom didn't like that, neither did his wife, so there was a constant tension and more often than not, yelling. There was an instance where I was sitting on the countertop in our kitchen and my mother was violently throwing glasses/plates on the ground to try and overwhelm my grandfather's yelling and as I was sitting there, something inside of me happened. I remember thinking to not cry so I didn't worry my guardians, and I felt numb almost, there was an intense pressure on my chest, that much I remember. I also remember not wanting to really be near any of them after that, I felt alienated. Years advance and I never got emotional support from anyone. I was never asked how my day was, how im doing, how im feeling about literally anything. All I was brought up to do was be successful in whatever I chose. No guidance, vague recommendations, no "do whatever you want because I know you'll be good at it" talk. Nothing heartwarming. I can't remember a single moment like that. Then for years lying became like breathing. Pleasing people because my subconscious number one priority and I'm exceptional at it. Around freshman year was when I started to realize I had a problem, I'd disregard people as humans and treat them like games, things to win, to overcome. But it didn't stop me, I was in a state of almost fascination with my condition. This severely impacted my relationships with most people I knew because I was purely fake with them 100% of the time. Along with the lying during my developmental years, I lived solely with my female guardian and younger sibling (who im sure has problems of his own because of this person's godforsaken parenting), and by no means am I dangerous or anything, I fear jail lol, but we can't talk about aspd without talking about the feelings of violence that come along with it. I've fantasized about hurting my guardian several times but I would never because like I said, jail, plus I've grown to have my own goals and life aspirations like for example raising a family of my own and giving them proper everything, emotional support, advice, help. Along with the distaste for my sole female guardian, ive become distorted to kind of all females as a result. Im aware its completely unreasonable and is a result of my guardian but FUCK is it strong. I see everyone as equals and we are, idc who you are or what you look like, you were born as a human and we're a product of our environment, but this hate I harbor is some real confusing stuff. It didn't help that I got all the bad apples as girlfriends/female friends in my developmental years, and hopefully you know what I mean by that; one sided conversation, im the one always initiating convo, always give never receive, always made felt like im not doing enough. Throughout high-school this was my day to day with human interaction, nothing authentic/real. In a more underlying tone I was extremely angry at people whom I had confrontation with as well as when things didn't go my way. I had to be right about everything, I took an almost 0 tolerance for being wrong stance for a long time, its different now. But I could think of a dozen different bad things I could do to hurt you emotionally and physically in an instant, really bad things. These violent thoughts made me become extremely disillusioned in life and quick time jump to right now, I am wholly divided between 2 people, it feels like there's two people living inside of me and its really odd. Back to then, the thoughts led me to starts using any substance I could get my hand on, started out with weed, then opioids, and everything started rolling in after that. M, K, stimulants, hallucinogens, anything to get rid of the noise in my head. I became a junkie who was extremely good at hiding it. I withdrew from opioids a few times and my family didn't know and still has no clue I was ever a junkie. I'd take otc adderall if ykyk, that cotton was absolutely disgusting but id still get it in me, dxm became a favorite, once took over 20 benadryl and tried to stay up because I heard it could get you high, dramamine, and pretty much anything and everything I could get my hands on. I only got clean because I ran out of money, id probably be dead right now but im not surprisingly. Tried using my aspd skills to get an addy scrip but it didn't work as well as I planned, instead got some antidepressants and I still abused those because it was a substance. Combining all these things and fast forward to now, ive learned a lot since my substance abuse days. I dont get AS angry anymore, I mean I do but im able to suppress it far more. Been smoking weed for a long time and im finally laying off of it, smoking less and less each month. Now occasionally ill have a beer, maybe some wine. My friends are all fake as fuck and that won't change, I decided to take a break from social media for a while so there's a chance they think im dead as they haven't heard from me for about a week now but 🤷♂️ they never cared anyway. I have been since and will be until the time is right, extremely lonely, no one to talk to about this stuff and like I said in the beginning of this, for the most part its tolerable. It just feels like it really doesn't have to be sometimes, I hope and dream of the day I meet someone that actually gives a shit, and they'd have my complete interest too, but no one is ever really interested in peering down the well and thats cool I guess. I tolerate. It feels like I'm falling down the rabbit hole almost every day recently but I tolerate because of hope, the hope I have that one day it'll be better, or I'll meet someone that can actually help. I dont know. If you have aspd, I know how quick and easy it is for things to go bad, keep fighting if you can. I hope for you and I. Good luck friend. I truly appreciate you if you read this.
