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nottheants
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2019 Member sinceAugust 6, 2019
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Experiences (trigger warning)
Trauma Support / by nottheants
Last post
 August 7th, 2019
...See more Hi, it's good to meet you all. I'm a new user, so please let me know if there's something I should be doing differently in regards to formatting this. I've used up my angry quota for the day so now I'm just tired aha, so sorry if something's a little out of order. For reference: I'm no longer a minor or in any danger. There's two parts of this; the first is a collection of things from when I was little that I don't know whether or not mean anything, and the second is behavior that I know wasn't good but I'm not sure how hurtful to me it was, or whether it's even CSA. Here's the first part, just to get it over with and out of the way. I don't know if these mean anything, besides being gross to think back on. When I was nine and in second grade I apparently knew what humiliation as a kink was, because I remember vividly being at a sleepover and thinking that I wanted to be laughed at while I was naked. Again when I was nine, I had a reoccuring thought of wanting to be naked in a glass box at school, so people could look at me and touch me and I couldn't do anything about it. When I was in fifth grade (as far as I can remember) I watched my first porn. It's always been a little confusing to me how I could have known about these things at nine and only started watching in fifth grade (eleven years old or so). Second part, in which I traumatize myself. When I was eleven or twelve I started roleplaying on a website. There was one specific person (I don't know how old they were) who asked me to do sexual roleplays of ourselves and our characters. I said yes because it made me happy to talk to them. This led to me doing the same thing when five or six other people asked me to. This stopped when I was fifteen (eighth grade) and too apathetic to care about doing it anymore. In seventh grade (14 years old), though, I started going onto online chatrooms and doing sexual roleplays and talking to men I didn't know. They were all overage, and there were probably hundreds I talked to over the course of a few years. They described what they wanted to do to me, and called me degrading things, telling me how to touch myself. I went along with it, and I always went back to the chatrooms. Which is great, because now I can't get off to anything that isn't degrading. I wanted to get this off my chest, first, but also get other perspectives on whether any of this is actually abnormal or CSA or if I'm really horribly overreacting. Thank you so much for reading.
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