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oatmealcookie
1,504 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 58 Compassion hearts58 Forum posts36 Forum upvotes57 Current upvotes57 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2018 Member sinceSeptember 5, 2015
Bio

I'm a married mother of two. I love to write and I love to read. I think I love writing and reading so much because I can pretend I'm in someone's fictitious life instead of my own. I do love to spend time with my husband and children, but outside of those three people, I usually keep to myself.

I've struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. Sadly, it seems the older I get, the more I struggle to get through things. Often, I feel like it's too late for anything to get better anyway because I'm getting older (40s) and I think the time to fix things was at least 20 years ago. Is there even any point now? Sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel lost. I'm disappointed with parts of my life and have no idea how to fix them. It feels impossible sometimes and I just get stuck.

Recent forum posts
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I *really* don't want this
Depression Support / by oatmealcookie
Last post
 September 19th, 2015
...See more Earlier this week, I finally sent my resume to a recruiter at a staffing agency. (I have been unemployed for well over a year.) I didn't want to send it because I knew when the recruiter saw it, she would see what I'm qualified for on paper and that's what sort of job she'll seek out for me. And I don't want it. I haven't a clue what I want. She called today and we talked about what I'm looking for, which I already touched on in my first communication with her. But what I focused on in that message was the schedule, the commute and the salary. Not really the job itself. Because I just don't know what I want. I know I don't want another soul-sucking corporate job. But I couldn't very well say that. Besides, that's all there is for me. I thought I was doing better with my depression and anxiety over the past week, but "better" is gone. It's totally gone. I knew this would happen. Whenever I start to feel good, it doesn't last. And I struggle to enjoy the good days because I know they'll be gone soon. I'm always worrying about what's coming next so even my good days can't be all good. I guess it doesn't matter because now the days are bad and the good-ish days aren't coming back. I opened the door to this horrific job search and I can't close it. I have been sobbing ever since I got off the phone with her. I'm getting older and I feel like this next job will be it for me. I'll be there... stuck there... until I retire or die. Probably die because I will never have enough money saved to retire. I am going to be completely miserable for the next 25-35+ years. Will I even make it that long being so miserable? I know when I get into that situation, I should just keep looking for a better job, but I have no idea what that would be. And I know me. I know I will just slip into another nightmare routine that will suck the life out of me and I won't have the energy or the motivation to get out of it. So I will stay. And hate it. And be miserable. Forever.
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Proud of myself because...
Positivity & Gratitude / by oatmealcookie
Last post
 September 13th, 2015
...See more ... instead of staying in bed all morning like I wanted to, I forced myself to call my mental health nurse to get a sooner appointment because I knew I needed it. And I got to see her today and I feel like I have things a bit more in perspective. We don't do therapy, but she manages my meds and we are trying something new with the old. We'll see. But I already feel better having gone to see her and hearing what she had to say when I told her what's been happening with me over the last few days.
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Question about Therapy.
Safety & Knowledge at 7 Cups / by oatmealcookie
Last post
 September 8th, 2015
...See more Hi - when I clicked on the "I Need Therapy" link, I found this on that page: "7 Cups of Tea offers free, anonymous, trained active listeners and online therapists." Are there actually online therapists? If so, how do you find them? I was just wondering if that was something different from the trained active listeners. Thank you.
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How did I miss this pattern?
Depression Support / by oatmealcookie
Last post
 September 9th, 2015
...See more Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing all the wrong things. Sometimes it feels like the more I talk about myself and how I'm feeling, the worse I get. But I can't imagine it's better to keep it all inside. Is it? I think it's scaring me so much right now at this very point in my life because... I think I figured something out. Something that seems so obvious. I must have been blind to never realize it before. I've always sort of believed that my depression and anxiety were situational. Something was going on that made me depressed and anxious and I either did or didn't try to get help and it got better just enough for me to think it was only because of that current problem. Like... as a teenager, I was lonely and felt like I would always be alone. When I finally had a boyfriend, I was "better." But eve while I was still with him, I became more and more insecure and less "okay." So what I thought was the issue (loneliness) and what I thought was the cure (having a boyfriend) were totally wrong. The issue was never gone. It's been over 20 years since I was a teenager and this pattern has repeated throughout my entire life... I think I know what the problem is that's causing my feelings; when I resolve whatever that problem is, I think I'm better. Yet it keeps happening again and again. So I've never really gotten better, have I?
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