oliveStrings7575 Member Profile

...See more I need to get so much off my chest I don’t know what to say so I guess I’ll just start typing and hopefully it’s not a complete mess, Ill do my biggest issue, My husband and I just got married he has a daughter she’s 9, I was 13 when she born which is weird to think about he has basically lived an entire life already, he’s the only man I’ve ever been with. he’s my only friend the only person who makes me feel beautiful or cared about. I’d like to have more friends but im bad at keeping up I don’t like drama I don’t like the maintenance a friendship takes but it came easy with him. We’ve been inseparable since we met we moved in together after the first month (3 years ago) now we even work together 24/7 we share the same values were both Christian’s we both agree on a man’s place and a woman’s place, we even did pre marriage counseling and thought it was silly because we had already discussed everything, gone over what we thought was important. So why is it going wrong now? I guess I feel like I married my grandmother she was the simplest way to put it mean. always yelling swearing cursing god, (he doesn’t curse god) she would yell at us for everything, for nothing. I’d come home from school and hear her yelling inside the house even though no one was home to hear her. And every time she’d get mad she say she was sorry that she wouldn’t do it again.. but she did she always did and I stopped believing, I stopped caring, I got used to it and when she suddenly died I felt nothing. We’ll my husband has anger issues and I knew it coming into the relationship but he had just been In anger management he was nice he had it under control he made me feel special he showed me attention I’d never gotten befor I felt like a women for the first time I felt like my dreams were coming true like god had brought us together I believe we’re soul mates I thought he did to but then he said he didn’t believe in that during counseling he does that a lot actually. sometimes I feel like I don’t know him that well at all he’ll say one thing to me then I’m a group of people he’ll reveal something different. Most of the time I don’t feel like he knows me either. His anger is my problem tho really it’s been getting worse, he just quit smoking (mostly) which doesn’t help and I’m trying to be understanding but it’s not even just that this has been going on since before that, I’m always wrong I’m always messing up, every time I try to make a choice it’s the wrong one. I try to come up with things to make him happy or make life better and It blows up in my face, He gets mad he yells and he looks at me, this look it’s awful it’s disgust, anger, like he’s looking at someone who said the dumbest thing he’s ever heard. Then he sais sorry and he won’t do it anymore and I believe and I forgive him and I understand and I still love him with everything inside me, then he gets mad again, and it’s usually at things that I don’t understand. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was normal things to get mad about but it’s always things I would never get mad at him for, like forgetting/losing Keys, I would feel bad for him Id help him look for them id come up with ways to replace them (I have) I certainly wouldn’t be mad at him or blame him but his first reaction when I’ve lost/forgotten something is to be mad and yell at me when he lost his stuff he made me feel guilty like I’d lost them like I had to of but I didn’t lose them, Anyways, he keeps getting mad and then apologizing and saying hes trying, he’ll change but its beginning to mean less every time. I’m starting to go numb. I still love him I just want him to be happy but idk what to do I want to run away just start waking into a field and not stop but I can’t do that. He’s home now so I’ll stop writing

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