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optimisticBeing2393
76 M Embraced
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2021 Member sinceJune 28, 2021
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6 years
Relationship Stress / by optimisticBeing2393
Last post
 June 29th, 2021
...See more CW: abuse, physical/emotional I just left a 6 year engagement. He was my dream man, swept me off my feet. Within 3 months he had started the abuse; emotional and shortly after physical. Hed pin me to the wall by my throat and stop me from leaving a room where he was screaming and threatening me. No matter what I said; even if I repeated what he wanted me to say word for word, it was never good enough. I had a really ugly childhood; lots of trauma I’ve been fighting to work through my entire life. He used these things to blame me for his behaviour. His family (grandma, mother, father, aunt and uncle) saw so much. Saw him come at me with a bottle. Kick me between the shoulder blades down stairs or through a doorway. It went on multiple times a week for a few years until I learned how to submit and agree and stop fighting him; stop bringing up my feelings or hurts. He cultivated my crazy paranoia and loved to manipulate with his “submissive” sexual desires. It took me years to realize it was just more control he could use. He was vile and cruel and used my Mothers death to hurt me; my fathers sexual abuse. He hit me so hard he broke my jaw, after he had me pinned to the ground beating me with his iPad in my face. His mother and him said I lied because I originally said he had punched me - I didn’t know the shape of his hand and they never let me forget my “lie”. His mother told me it was my fault and I stopped arguing back because I’d be told I was playing the victim. I finally left in February, a year to the month from when “we” bought (see: his parents bought for him, like everything else in his life) a house and the abuse didn’t stop. I medicated myself, I blamed myself, I numbed myself to a point where I can’t seem to remember the majority of what he did. How bad it really was. I struggle with not having memories of most of my life thanks to childhood trauma and it’s attacking me again now. I’m angry, at him, his family, myself for letting it happen. For pretending so perfectly online that he and I were perfect and he was faultless. I’m tired and sad and I don’t know where to begin healing. Begin remembering. I’ve started therapy but one hour a week isn’t enough to make me feel like I’m making progress. And I know he’s got someone new under his spell and a part of me, prays I was at fault and he’ll never do it again but the evil side of me hopes he does just so I know it wasn’t my fault. If you made it this far, thank you. I probably left out so much but six years is so much to process.
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