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I am not a writer and English is not my first nor my second language , I wrote this without revising it because it brings me a lot of pain.
this is part one of the story how it all began , I don't know if Im able to write the second part but right now I need your advice and support because there's no one else I can talk to.
I am 24 years old right now and still dont know what I want in this life So I will lie and try to fool myself into thinking that I want things and that Im only struggling because I am scared.
What I want is to make a change in the world to help people in seeing things as they really are that they have a choice and that they can make that choice .
Secondly I want money to be able to live comfortably and to have the means to achieve my goals.
Lastly I want to make my mother proud of me and to show her that all her pain and sacrifice werent for nothing.
The reason that I cant do all of those things is because I am lazy at least thats what they say but what they dont know is whenever I want to get up and something I feel paralyzed, Its like my brain and my body stop communicating so I start panicking then I become angry and hate myself even more because I know that I am able to do all of those things , I know that I am smarter than most people around me but fear has crippled me.
Seeing others surpass me in every way from education, work to their social life while I am still stuck in my first year of college not because Im stupid but missing 90 % of classes and sometimes I dont even go to midterms and finals So I kept changing schools, cities and countries thinking maybe theres something wrong with them and that I will find my place eventually but deep down I knew that the only thing wrong here is with ME.
5 years have passed since my high school graduation and Im finding myself still at the starting point , at home havent done anything worthy of existing with no friends no education ,locked in my house only going out to buy groceries and cigarettes. My family thinks that Im a disappointment pushing me to do something with my life, my brother always insulting me and saying that I need to go to a mental hospital, Maybe hes right, theres definitely something wrong Ive always known that.
In order to understand why I am what I am I decided to go back to the start so heres my story:
My mother comes from a small village 77 kilometers away from the big city, she lived in a small house with her parents and 3 of her siblings , she was the eldest child.
My mother had big dreams she could never accept the poor life , at 13 walking back from school which is 7 kilometers away an old 45 years old man saw her he then followed her to her house and asker her parents her hand in marriage, baffled by the man from the big city her family offered him to stay at their house for a couple of days, there are two stories to what happened my grandmother is saying that it was my mothers choice to marry him ( who would listen to a 13 years old) and my mother is saying that she had to , anyways what I know for sure is that one night my grandmother sent my mom to his room to talk and he raped my mom , a few days later they got married and by married and by married I mean verbally with the concession of my grandparents, he then took her to the city to his house she then found out that hes not as rich as he said and that he was already married and that his youngest daughter is at the same age as hers, they gave her a small room in the garden opposite to the house where his first wife and her 5 daughters lived at . they treated her like a maid and she was constantly abused by all of them, a couple of months after she moved in, she had a fight with the first wife and had to defend herself while pregnant with me she threw something at her face and the first wife ended up in hospital and got a couple stitches she called the police on my mom so they came and arrested her.
the police arrested my father and grand-father as well for marrying a minor because back then the legal age of marriage was 16. So they said that my grandad lost his family documents and paid a few witnesses so they can forge her age, all charges were dropped.
Mom had a fight with dad , he hit her like usual so she escaped and hitched a ride to her parents house while 9 months pregnant.
Two days later I was born, It was Friday November 6th at 6 pm in the villages hospital, when my grandmother came to visit my mom and me in the morning they found me blue and my heart has stopped beating because my mother being only 14 had forgotten to feed me so they had to quickly revive me and my heart started beating again , my dad came to visit us with only a kilo of oranges in his hand and then he left after 15 days he came back to take us home, having no support from her family my mom had to go with him .
My father worked as a mechanic in a small company sometimes he did the day shift and sometimes the night shift, he wakes up and leaves a few pocket change for my mother so she can feed us with ,we were starving , the money he left could only cover a small loaf of bread , so we starved together , after 4 years my brother was born his first son. the tradition in my country is when you have a newborn you sacrifice a sheep for them and name them the 7th day theres this big party with music and a feast and people celebrating the birth , I didnt get that but my brother did.
My mom thinking after giving dad a son she will finally be respected and her tourment will stop, she was wrong they treated us with hate .
I grew up watching my half siblings get the good life , nice clothes nice food while I am starving with my mom and brother wearing ripped clothes and eating leftovers and sometimes eating nothing at all.
I remember spending so many nights at the police station with my parents because the neighbors hearing and tired of my moms screams called the cops on them.
watching my dad beating my mom for the smallest of things like breaking a glass or the food is cold or that she didnt cook because there was nothing to cook . while beating her up I use to take my brother outside and I cry and cry.
Two years after my brother is born my mom gave birth to my little sister but this time my mom was 20 and she had enough of this hell hole so she found a job as a barista and started earning a living , one of her male coworkers offered her a ride home when they arrived he gave her some money and his phone number he opened her eyes to the world and she saw an opportunity to escape, she started meeting with him and each time he gave her some money for us , she told him her story and he felt sorry for her, tired of living like a maid and seeing her children suffering as well she started sleeping with men for money she thought this was better than sleeping with an old pedophile who abused her constantly .
One night dad becoming suspicious he followed her and saw her with another man he beat her up pretty badly and after giving it some thought he told her that she can continue sleeping with men for money but she had to sleep with him as well and give him half of what she earned.
So she did, she continued doing what she had to do and everyday she would give him half but he became too greedy he wanted more and more and sometimes she didnt earn anything so he accused her of lying and he would beat her up again .
One day one of the men shes sleeping with asked her to move in into his house to take care of it while hes away travelling, she saw an opportunity to get a divorce from my father and so she asked for it , my dad not too happy about it he would threaten her with her kids .
Mom having no choice and tired of him forcing himself on her every night she gave him custody of us and paid him for the divorce.
I was 7 years old when they divorced my brother was 3 and my little sister was one year old , my mom offered to pay for the maid who will take care of us , she would visit us once a week, she would see us outside the house for 5 mins and then leaves sometimes I dont see her for like a month.
the maid would treat us like dogs, she would beat us up she would take my mothers gifts and my dad didnt care, he would actually take the allowance mom gave me .
my dad use to make a pass on the maids so they usually ended up running away and I had to take care of my brother and sister.
Everyday day I would come from school I would make something to eat and wait in the garden by the door for my mom to show up , I didnt have a way of contacting her so I just wait and wait sometimes she would show up but of the times she didnt , I would wait even if its cold or if its raining, I would fall asleep sitting waiting for her to come.
On the weekend I go outside and play with our neighbors in the street , they were all boys because the girls werent allowed to go out by their moms.
one day while playing with the boys we were running in the streets I couldnt keep up with them so I fell a little bit behind and there was this old man he called me to help him with his bike so I went to him as I approached him he started looking left and right and grabbed and said what are you doing here alone I felt so scared I dont remember the details exactly but what I remember is that he raped me from behind and asked me not to tell anyone, I went home straight to the bathroom and showered for an hour while crying, hating myself for not saying no and not running away , I couldnt I was so scared I froze ….
I didnt tell anyone about it , I kept it inside me like I keep everything else an 8 year old girl in so much pain and having no one to turn to.
time has passed and my dad was building another room in the garden there was this construction worker who scared he always looked at me in a weird way one day he saw me outside and asked me to come with him to the grocery store so he would buy something again not being able to say no I went with him he took me to a desired area and we sat down on a rock he then opened his pants and took my hand and put it on him after a few seconds he asked me to drink it and said that its okay it tastes just like milk I couldnt do it . he then asked me not to say anything and I went back to my house, I saw him again and I tried to avoid him and stayed by my fathers side , i was so scared I couldnt tell anyone .
I had many incidents like that I could never say no to anyone I lived in fear even at schools girls used to torture me and I would accept it and suffer in silence .
One night at 11 pm my dad asked the maid to take us out and bring us back in an hour, I was out in the cold waiting , I knew what he was doing and I was disgusted , when we came back we found dad taking a shower and the prostitute was on her way out , my dad then started screaming and I ran to the big house and called my step-sister to come help , she took him to the hospital and we waited , his heartache wasnt that major but while being treated at the hospital he met a nurse there. A few days later we went to her house to meet her family, she told us you can call me aunty.
My mom got married with that French man but he didnt want us he wanted my beautiful young mom who will drink and party with him while hes not travelling, my dad would always get these relapses and take us in the middle of the night to my moms place and he would stand there and beg her to come let him ( I guess he was horny and we were the excuse) she would refuse , so for revenge he asked her to give a lot of money or otherwise he will marry that nurse .
His first wife lived with her daughters in the big house and aside from the insults they would give us or asking me to do their cleaning we wouldnt hear much from them but dad he knew he could threaten my mom with him marrying another woman because that means that she will be staying with us in the garden , my mom didnt have that kind of money so he got married .
The first few months she was okay, we called her aunty and she would cook for us and take care of us but then she started abusing us especially my brother because he was kind of a wild kid , she then demanded to call her mom and when we wouldnt she would beat us up until we do , I was the eldest, more mature and I refused to call someone else mother , I watched my brother and sister calling her mom but I wouldnt give up on my mom and I suffered the beating , she later had a son and we started noticing the difference she will buy him all the good things and we sit and watch , it wasnt fair but he was her son and we were Forgotten , she would have guests and she will kick us out in the street till they leave and my dad would support her.
I knew that one day my angel will come and save us and we will live happily and that we will be wanted and finally the cosmic respond to my prayers;
I was 13 when my mom came back and took us with her, she had met a rich man and divorced the French guy , he gave her money to rent an apartment, we were safe again but I didnt feel safe I was always scared that one day she will have to abandon us again .
She bought us new clothes and toys and spoiled us, she tried her best to erase our painful memories my brother and sister forgot because they were still young but I was damaged forever.
I got some courage at school I rebelled on the girls who were torturing me and they asked for my forgiveness which I never gave , everyone wanted to be my friend because I had all the cool stuff.
I refused to go see my dad because I hated his neighborhood I hated his house and all the bad memories with it , he used to come see us every other months with his wife but then he stopped little by little because he got older and he knew he wasnt welcome by me .
What I admire the most is my mom I mean dad treated her so badly but she forgave him and his first wife and half siblings started to come visit us and wanted to be friends with her and she forgave them too but I cant , I cant forgive my dad nor them I remember everything and I hate the hypocrisy, they only want because we have money now.
to be continued….
