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orangeBalloon2097
1,057 M Little Steps 2
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts38 Forum posts14 Forum upvotes26 Current upvotes26 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2020 Member sinceNovember 1, 2019
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Our Story (TW homicide, knives, stabbing mention, sexual assault, suicide/death, abuse, meds, blood)
Trauma Support / by orangeBalloon2097
Last post
 February 23rd, 2020
...See more Here are snippts of our story: "I get told that the meds I'm on should be working, yet I still have hallucinations, still see moving things that aren't there, and hear things that aren't there (I hear classical music at night, which I've come to terms with, that's not there), and I feel tired all the time. As I'm writing this I can feel my arms scattered with marks, ones that aren't there, and a vein bursting, bleeding out. I shouldn't know what that feels like because we've never experienced it, but I can feel it. There's having flashbacks in psych appointments because you remember being abused by mental health professionals, you remember being yelled at for "pretending to be another person outside the body and not having the adequate response, because you're not that person," and then you remember being reminded of horrible things that you don't want to remember and saying that yes, I can't feel it anymore mentally, to just end the experience, to just dial it down, once again, to forget, yet know that you'll never be able to. There's the not being able to look at social media around the beginning of Feb because the Super Bowl reminds you of so many horrible things and what you've done. Now you're the murderer, the one with blood on your hands. Look at me, goddamn it. Remember without hashing the truth. Remember because you hate yourself, time and time again." "The treatment place was horrible - we weren't allowed to talk about how we exist (system wise), nothing about gender or sexuality, nothing about politics or current events (we were the only person who knew what was going on in the outside world because our parent sent us the Straits Times via mail, and even then that was censored), along with people were hungry all the time (people would steal food and staff was fired for "giving us too much food"), we were misgendered purposely all the time and bullied. Not to mention that we still deal with the memory of how our body sexually assaulted a resident (and though they forgave us, we don't know if we can forgive ourselves), and another one of us is recovering from being addicted to homicide" "(every day) it feels like suffering, when constantly it feels like there are wounds all over our body (usually it feels like we're bleeding out) when physically we're fine, when I remember the horribleness and are afraid of someone/anyone hurting us (emotionally or physically) and so am afraid to leave our room (because we've been restrained in treatment due to having meltdowns and in the past during meltdowns we weren't allowed water because we "wouldn't calm down")" Sorry if that's too much, but honestly would just like some support.
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Hello
Newbie Hub / by orangeBalloon2097
Last post
 November 1st, 2019
...See more Hi, I deal with being on the autism spectrum, major depressive disorder with psychotic symptoms, GAD/SAD, and possibly dissocative symptoms. I go by they/them pronouns and my name is Serlin. I like listening to music, like Cavetown, and playing video games (like Stardew Valley and Undertale).
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