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orangeWatermelon8349
1,868 M Hopeful Heart 1
PathStep 212 Compassion hearts84 Forum posts198 Forum upvotes201 Current upvotes201 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2023 Member sinceAugust 22, 2016
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Depression is really bad today
Depression Support / by orangeWatermelon8349
Last post
 March 30th, 2019
...See more I feel really depressed today. My gp has said to meditate to start feeling better. I know it could as Ive been on a mindfulness course years ago & I have an app on my phone. I dont use it as much as I need to, I go through months of not using it as well. Its because meditation is about understanding myself & bringing inner calm. I dont want that. I dont want to understand myself. Ive got to the point that I know Im ruining my life. So many crap things happened in my life after my brother died (he died suddenly 11 years ago) & Im tired. I know meditating will bring me energy but Im at a point in my life where I just dont care. The problem is though Im finally at uni & Im ruining it all. I told my Personal Tutor about everything & she said the uni can offer a year out where I can get better. But I dont know if I want to take that year out or if uni is the best place for me. Im thinking that its only first year so all I need to do is pass (also Im part-time so Im only taking 3 modules this year & 3 next year so I have another year to sort myself out). Ive also signed up for counselling at the uni & they offer so much other support. If I do take a year out, I dont know what Id do. .... sorry if this doesnt make sense. I still live at home with my parents, another reason I feel depressed from time to time as I just feel trapped & like nothing good has changed in my life. I havent got the energy to do anything about my life at the moment though. Thank you for reading. ✨
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Don't want to get better
Disability Support / by orangeWatermelon8349
Last post
 August 26th, 2016
...See more Hello, I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome a few years ago now, but a big part of me doesn't want to get better. Two reasons: 1) my younger brother died over 8 years ago and I'm worried if/when I do recover, grief will consume me and I'll have a massive breakdown and cry all the time, or not cry, just feel numb, etc. so I've shoved this to the back of my mind. Even when I start to think of him, I force myself not to. (About 7 months after he died, I started going for tests at my hospital for a longterm condition to see if I needed surgery, then 2 years after he died, I had the surgery. It was a few years after that I was diagnosed with cfs so I haven't been able to properly process anything really I don't think.) 2) I'm worried that if/when I do recover, family and other people will force me to get a job right away and I'll end up in a dead-end job that I don't want (which has happened before). Or on a college course that I don't enjoy. Or if I do enjoy the course, at the end of it, people will expect me to get a job at the end. I do have plans. I want to start my own business my way (I wouldn't be able to work full time even if I did fully recover due to another chronic condition I've had since birth), I want to travel, do voluntary work in different organisations in different sectors (e.g. animals, health sector, etc). I can't even focus on tiny things that I can do now, such as creative writing or art. Even meditation. My bedroom is a mess (it always has been), I find I can't motivate myself to do anything. Even when I can, the motivation just lasts that minute or less and then it just goes. I don't know what to do or how to sort myself out. I have signed up to counselling so that may help. In the meantime, does anyone know how I can get myself going or keep on going? Thank you.
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