ordinarypianist Member Profile

...See more Hello. I’m 24. I moved here to start my Master’s, expecting a new chapter, but instead, it feels like I’ve arrived at a funeral for my own life. My girlfriend broke up with me right before I left. For someone with my severe anxious attachment and a dreadful fear of being left behind, it didn't just hurt; it dismantled me. I know now that I jumped into this relationship to outrun the grief of my first love - a breakup I caused and still hate myself for. I was trying to sprint away from loneliness, but I ran straight into the arms of someone who was emotionally unavailable. I spent that relationship starving for connection, practically begging for affection or a drop of desire. When she finally left, I saw it coming, but the abandonment still broke me completely. Since then, my body has been in revolt. It feels like physical withdrawal. For months, sleep was impossible, blocked by nightmares. My stomach felt like my intestines were being twisted into tight, painful knots. I had zero appetite; if I forced myself to eat, I would just throw up. It’s been six months, and while therapy and anxiety medication have dulled the sharpest pains, I still can’t feel hunger. I’ve withered away, losing 4kgs in just the last three months. I feel like I am being attacked by my past. It’s not just the breakup; it’s everything resurfacing at once. My childhood was a cycle of instability - my parents separating and reuniting three different times, the scars my father left on us, me running away from home at 18. I thought I had survived that, but now that I am alone and heartbroken, those old wounds have ripped open. My academics are collapsing. My health is failing. I am terrified I will have to drop out of the program I worked so hard to get into. I am holding on by a thread, and that thread is my mother and brother. I know that me 'letting go' would traumatize them, and I can’t do that to them. But if they weren’t here… I fear that fading away would feel easier than this pain. That thought visits me often, and it scares me. Im really really tired of this numb yet gut wrenching pain. How do I stop it. I am drowning in this. Please help.

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