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peachApricot8215
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts10 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2026 Member sinceAugust 24, 2026
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just a rant, TW COCSA
Trauma Support / by peachApricot8215
Last post
 August 24th
...See more I’m not sure where else i can rant or if im doing it correctly  but i jsut need this out of my head for once. Is anyone a victim of COCSA? When i found out about it and the cycle of it, i was so in shock and it has stuck with me. it started when i was around maybe 4? it was my brother he was 10. I didn’t want it. It didn’t stop until I was 10. I remember bits and pieces of the abuse that happened throughout the years. Honestly throughout those years i vaguely recall anything. One that always stuck was my mom walking in and we were under the covers. He bit my shoulder so hard. Idk if he was trying to be quiet or what but the pain always stuck with me. Another is when he wanted me to perform oral on him and when i refused he said my cousin liked it so i should to. I cried and he left me alone. When it stopped he was very mean with me. I jsut wanted an older brother but instead i got someone who hated me. I didn’t know it was wrong when i was little. I thought its whatever. There were times he’d try waking me up but touching me and i’d stay asleep hoping he’d go away. My older cousin he was 7 years older. When i was 8 He’d try doing things to me and when i wouldn’t give a response he’s stop. I was able to avoid him bc we didn’t live together. Another was an older female cousin. She was 5 years older she and my other cousin were siblings. She’s lure me to her closet and teach me things for my future bf. It all stopped when i was 10 bc i moved. Later when i was 12 I attempted the same thing and kissed one of my younger cousin (11)  but was disgusted with myself and told her it was a prank, and never tried again. When I was around 16 i partied with friends and came home extremely drunk. I confessed to my mom in my drunken state about my brother and the next day she asked if it was true. I had only told her he would touch me between those years but i never told her the specific bc it hurt to much to tell that to my mother. She told me i should forgive him. She later told my sister, and she told my brother. He wanted to talk to me and he said he did those things bc he was taught that by another cousin, which i later found out had the same thing done to her by an adult. My brother also did the same to one of my very close cousins who’s the same age as me. She confessed to me what my brother did to her and she said she didn’t feel safe. I told her to never leave my side. We were 9.  The other cousins who had attempted those things to me, i found out there dad got another one of their sister pregnant. It turned out all this runs rampant in my family and everyone ignores it and covers it up. I’m just tired of this stupid cycle that will never stop. Who knows who else fell victim to it. Now none of this is talked about. All swept under the rug and we moved on. Anyways if you made it this far thanks. I just wanted to get this out of my system. I no longer live with any of these people and am attending uni. Thinking about talking to a professional but im scared. I like the anonymous aspect of this.
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