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persistentSail8853
1 754 M Little Steps
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts55 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2026 Member sinceAugust 3, 2017
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Help me communicate better with my mother and sister
General Support / by persistentSail8853
Last post
 December 18th, 2022
...See more To start from the beginning, we were talking with my mom over the phone, and mom was talking a lot about my depression and was very upset about it, she felt that she was a failure at raising us kids and was crying about how we should not lie to each other and be truthful to each other. I felt betrayed by what she said because when I first suspected I was depressed, I told my mom and my sister that I felt so and they both told me not to worry about it, that it was all in my head. At least, that is how I remember the exchanges went. My mom also said that if there was anyone who should be depressed, it was her because of all the stress she was having. As a result I hid it from my family for 2 years, went to a doctor's behind their back, and long story short, it all came tumbling down when I failed all my university assignments. It was only then that I told them that I was suicidally depressed and as a result, I had to take a year off at my university. So when mom hanged up I told my sister that they didn't believe me when I said I was depressed. I said this in an extremely emotional way, and she broke down. She cried the whole time and said that how can I say that, after all she had done to accommodate me during my university years. During my first year at university, she was doing her bar exam, which was a very important and stressful year for her. Even so, she took me to my accommodation and helped me buy all the important things I needed, because she didn't want me to be as lost as she was when she first went to university. She visited me every week and cooked meals for me because she didn't want me to have outside food all the time, but she didn't stop me from eating fast food because she knew that it was my comfort food. I can't really remember what was going through my mind at that time. I know that I told her that there was no need to keep doing this. I wanted to find my own footing and honestly never wanted to be a bother to her, especially since how pathetic I was when I was in my deepest bouts of depression. I never wanted to be a burden to her, and I failed at that. After everyone knew of my diagnosis, she asked me if I wanted to study somewhere closer to home instead, and that if I wanted to go for a vacation to clear my mind. I told them I didn't want to. In my mind I am still able to continue my studies and I just wanted to rest at home. I will go out for some fresh air myself when I feel I have the strength for it. She also went on *** liking jobsearch pages so that I can find a job that I can handle. She did not need to go through that much trouble; I can find one myself. In any case she broke down and told me all of that. And I feel terrible. I know that they have helped me a lot in my journey throughout depression, and a lot more. But I was never talking about that part. What I was referring to was the beginning part - the part where they all dismissed me when I needed a diagnosis. That was when I felt betrayed, and as much as my sister tried to make me feel at home during my university years, it was that exchange that caused a gap of trust between me and her. I tried telling her that, but I don't think she heard it. Even now, a few days ago, when I confided to my sister that I suspect that I am trans, she dismissed it as a phase and that if I accepted myself for what I am, the feeling of being trans will go away. I have been struggling with these feelings for months now, and I have reached out to a lgbtq friendly counsellor to help me out. But I have seen first hand how they think about topics, and I am once again hiding it from the rest of my family. I don't want them to go through the mistrust and meltdown cycle, but the patterns are showing themselves again. First of all, I don't know how to tell her that I am sorry, that I shouldn't have said what I said. I just don't know how to say that to her and not feel like a slimy *** just wanting to get back in her good graces. I just want her to suffer less for me. I just want the best for my family. If I am doing something wrong, please tell me how to improve on myself. My family does not need to suffer because of me.
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