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placidLion5857
1 156 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceJuly 27, 2024
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I’m letting myself self destruct
Depression Support / by placidLion5857
Last post
 October 5th, 2024
...See more Im destroying my life even more than it’s already destroyed. My wife left me, I can’t see or talk to her, I can’t see our dogs, I had to move into my parents basement, I quit my job, I stay up all night until 4-6am, I sleep until 2pm or later, I stopped looking for a new job, I went back to gambling all my money away. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything to fix it. She’s already moved on and is happy again and I can’t even get myself out of bed. I want so badly to let her know how much pain i’m still in but that wouldn’t do either of us any good. Either she’d feel bad and i’d feel bad about that and still nothing would change or she wouldn’t care at all and I’d feel just as bad if not worse. I can’t take help from anybody else because I don’t want it, there’s only one person I want to hear from and she won’t talk to me. I resent my family for no good reason, they just want to help me but I don’t want their help. I want them to leave me alone. I want my old life back, but I know at this point even if we ever tried to be together again it would never work, it wouldn’t be the same. I’m just over feeling this way day after day after day and absolutely nothing making me feel better. Any tiny amounts of joy I get I instantly ruin it by thinking about her and it all goes away. I can’t be happy. Anytime I’m happy I remember why i’m so depressed all the time. It’s been 4 months and i’ve made no progress. a quarter of a year. in 2 months it’ll be half a year and I still won’t be even an inch better than I was at the beginning. I hate myself for ruining everything and I hate myself for not doing anything right now but I just don’t have it in me to do anything to help myself.
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